It took me all day to get it... really let it sink it. When on the phone today I said "I'm working on it, I'm really working on it" He replied why now? Why now after 9yr [ok, the rewriting history should have clued me in] Then he said now was not a good time to talk because he was angry. He did not sleep well and power went out and his CPAP did not start back up. I did a 180 and didn't push him to talk further or press when would be a good time. I let it go. If he wanted to follow up it would be on him.
I thought he was feeling frustrated that it took me so long to get my crap together.
Nope... I realized he was disgusted with me. How dare I work on it now... why? It no longer matters. Took me all day to get it.
He never followed up later with text or call.... because I disgust him.
I will hold my head high on Sunday. I am beautiful and worthy... he walked out... he should be begging me to come back.
LH I have a year... once D is final I won't look back. To me D is the ultimate betrayal... I may have been a bit controlling and emotionally and physically absent in the last few months but I loved him and was a devoted partner.
I doubt there will be anymore texts or calls from him... I just need to make sure they stop on my end as well.
Well the next year can be very simple if you want it to be. You let him get the rest of his stuff on Sunday then it’s NC accept for financial stuff. You work on healing and loving yourself. You have no young kids together. He will either miss what you had together or her won’t. I have to tell you though that being here 5 years I can’t remember one sitch where someone bought a house and moved out with their A/P and changed their mind in a year.
I went back and read your story from a couple years ago and you got a second chance and still didn’t put the effort in to repairing the M. I think that should tell you something. Have you heard of the saying “rejection breeds obsession?”
You must not have had your coffee because you posted in a completely different forum lol.
When you past on here you seem to get what's going on here and then your emotions get the better of you. Your actions are based on fear to maybe you should post to us what you are afraid is going to happen.
You must not have had your coffee because you posted in a completely different forum lol.
When you past on here you seem to get what's going on here and then your emotions get the better of you. Your actions are based on fear to maybe you should post to us what you are afraid is going to happen.
Seriously??? Posted on wrong forum??? GEEZ... that's right up there with sending H a text meant for someone else. I'm really losing it these days.
You are right. My actions are based on fear and anxiety.
When my H was so into me and us.... the draw he had to me was so much stronger than the pull to be closer to work, live closer to friends, live closer to his social circle and his family (we lived 1hr away.)
The hurt that he internalized as his rejection of me when I was going through my own issues... well his draw to me weakened significantly... dramatically... therefore it took less of a pull for all those other things to pull him away.
The bottom line for us to get to recon:
I have to get it. He has to be willing to risk it again.
He told me weeks ago he would never return and risk getting hurt by me ever again. But, he also said things like if he does work things out I will be coming to him... he won't be coming to me. Then he said this is definitely going to end up in D.
He has had a taste of life away from me... and it appears to me it tastes very good to him. He is reconnecting and is busy all the time. He isn't exhausted from commuting and working 12hr days (though he has been laid off for a month). I'm sure he is ecstatic about closing on his home which was yesterday I would guess.
I know I'm beautiful and amazing and I have flaws as anyone does. I'm worried about not ever being missed by him. It terrifies me to the core that there is nothing special about me that would ever remotely attract him back to us. In his words I was a goddess to him... and over the years he got to see my cracks and flaws and imperfections and now that is all he will ever see. Not my amazing qualities but the flaws. It hurts.
Why now? Why now and not 9yr ago? Because I realized it wasn't his job to save me... it was mine. If I was unhappy about my weight I should have been the one to do something about it. I should not have pulled away to my H and said I was uncomfortable about me---- in his hurt of rejection he would spout off "then do something about it" in a way that made me shut down more. I took it as his judgement of me rather than he was coming from a place of hurt that he didn't have his W... that his W was rejecting him.
But all along it was my job. My job to feel good about myself. Giving my best self to my H so he felt loved and accepted for who he was.
That is my answer to his question of Why Now??? But, its not something I'm allowed to tell him or share with him -- but as honest as that answer is and its baring my soul to him he no longer has interest. Even if he did ask the question.
You are right. My actions are based on fear and anxiety.
That is how 99% of the people on here are acting. It's just better if you understand that is what it is about.
Originally Posted by KitCat
When my H was so into me and us.... the draw he had to me was so much stronger than the pull to be closer to work, live closer to friends, live closer to his social circle and his family (we lived 1hr away.)
Did you ever offer to move closer?
Originally Posted by KitCat
The hurt that he internalized as his rejection of me when I was going through my own issues... well his draw to me weakened significantly... dramatically... therefore it took less of a pull for all those other things to pull him away.
So when you were going through issues you stayed in the marriage. When he was going through issues he left the marriage?
Originally Posted by KitCat
The bottom line for us to get to recon:
Originally Posted by KitCat
I have to get it.
Get what?
Originally Posted by KitCat
He has to be willing to risk it again.
But first he has to be dissatisfied with his new life and then probably be single and trying dating again and then be willing to risk it again. Sound plausible within a year?
Originally Posted by KitCat
He told me weeks ago he would never return and risk getting hurt by me ever again. But, he also said things like if he does work things out I will be coming to him... he won't be coming to me. Then he said this is definitely going to end up in D.
Classic LBS behavior. When you hear something you don't like you say "believe nothing you hear" you hear something you do like you hold onto it like it was etched in stone.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He has had a taste of life away from me... and it appears to me it tastes very good to him. He is reconnecting and is busy all the time. He isn't exhausted from commuting and working 12hr days (though he has been laid off for a month). I'm sure he is ecstatic about closing on his home which was yesterday I would guess.
I'm sure it tastes great right now but it will likely lose it's luster YEARS down the road.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I know I'm beautiful and amazing and I have flaws as anyone does. I'm worried about not ever being missed by him. It terrifies me to the core that there is nothing special about me that would ever remotely attract him back to us. In his words I was a goddess to him... and over the years he got to see my cracks and flaws and imperfections and now that is all he will ever see. Not my amazing qualities but the flaws. It hurts.
I think you really need to read what your wrote. He found out you were human and had flaws and he dumped you but you continue to view him as the prize.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Why now? Why now and not 9yr ago? Because I realized it wasn't his job to save me... it was mine.
Its just WW BS he's putting on you. That's great that you realize you can only save yourself.
Originally Posted by KitCat
If I was unhappy about my weight I should have been the one to do something about it. I should not have pulled away to my H and said I was uncomfortable about me---- in his hurt of rejection he would spout off "then do something about it" in a way that made me shut down more. I took it as his judgement of me rather than he was coming from a place of hurt that he didn't have his W... that his W was rejecting him.
This actually happens quite a lot and men should be better at lovingly supporting their partner when they want to lose weight.
Originally Posted by KitCat
But all along it was my job. My job to feel good about myself. Giving my best self to my H so he felt loved and accepted for who he was.
One of my regrets that I live with is that I didn't give my W my best self and that is a consequence I must live with moving forward.
Originally Posted by KitCat
That is my answer to his question of Why Now??? But, its not something I'm allowed to tell him or share with him -- but as honest as that answer is and its baring my soul to him he no longer has interest. Even if he did ask the question.
Some day you may be able to give him that answer but now is not the time. If you truly love him and want peace then honor his wish to pursue his happiness elsewhere.
I went back and read your story from a couple years ago and you got a second chance and still didn’t put the effort in to repairing the M. I think that should tell you something.
An interesting point. What changes did you make for BD1 and which did you keep? Do you observe any patterns? For me, the trend is changes I made for me kept and changes I made for her fell away.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I was a goddess to him... and over the years he got to see my cracks and flaws..
Most relationships begin with infatuation. He eventually saw your flaws and same for OW.
Originally Posted by KitCat
The hurt that he internalized as his rejection of me when I was going through my own issues... well his draw to me weakened significantly... dramatically... therefore it took less of a pull for all those other things to pull him away.
Makes sense. You've got this! I hope you have a great day.
[quote=LH19]I went back and read your story from a couple years ago and you got a second chance and still didn’t put the effort in to repairing the M. I think that should tell you something.
An interesting point. What changes did you make for BD1 and which did you keep? Do you observe any patterns? For me, the trend is changes I made for me kept and changes I made for her fell away.
I gained weight again... My self esteem dropped... I truly felt my H deserved a smoking hot wife. He used to tell me how hot I was all the time and in front of the kids... I felt I hadn't earned it.
I pulled away emotionally and physically. He kept trying to reach out to me. I didn't spend Xmas Eve or NYE out socializing with him. I was in a bad head space about myself.
I tried to tell him when he would put his arms around me and I pulled away I felt horrible about myself... AND, again in my own pain I did not see I was causing him such pain. He just wanted his W.
My H's love language is physical touch. I remember telling myself before I M this guy... hey... this guy has a high need for holding hands, touching his arms, running my fingers over the top of his head... I love this guy and I need to make sure I don't drop the ball on this... and yet I did.
I still don't think he understood my pain. He just thought well h*ll if it bothers you go do something about it... it just wasn't that easy for me.
It has to sting a little even though he states he is numb to see me that I have been doing something and I look amazing... and will look even more amazing. But, I get it. He sees it as a ploy.
I realized that I am responsible for my well being... AND when I take care of myself I feel so wonderful that I am available to happily and readily be that partner my H desires... that I was when we met and married... that I have been during most of our M.
So when he asks Why Now... I have the answer. But, it was probably a rhetorical one. He probably doesn't want to hear my answer or to be open to it.
I get it. I got the chance to fix my M... and I did... and I dropped the ball in regards to myself.
Last edited by job; 04/30/2008:41 PM. Reason: edited language
So after the phone call yesterday "Now is not a good time to talk, I'm angry"... I walked away. I did not call again. I did not text the rest of the day/night or today.
At 10:30am H = Will tumor go away.
? Now on last Sunday the puppy developed a tumor on the toe where surgery would challenging and healing an issue but this tumor will resolve on its own in 3-4 mo. It will bleed, it will get ugly, will have to watch for infection and he will probably lick it which means an e-collar. NOW, on Sunday I gave all this info in a cut and dry format. Just the facts. I did say I may have to e-collar him.
He got the texts because he replied - e-collar? oh cone of shame.
Now 2 days ago I finally got some help to get a picture of it (its ugly but I see them all the time so I know its no big deal). So hard to hold 65lb puppy still. There was no response but none was really needed. He now had all the info.
So today with the text this morning... did he forget all the info I gave his on Sunday? I guess it is possible... he hasn't been sleeping well? Has had a lot of stress and isn't working so maybe he did forget? But, he had to remember because how many TUMORS just spontaneously resolve - this is the only one I see and sometimes 1 other one related to testosterone but most people don't think tumors spontaneously go away. It will still be there in his text messages? OR is this just to get me to poke my head down the rabbit hole again????
I kept it business like "yes in 3-4 months but he is licking it" H- OK
Nothing after that... its like he just wanted to know that I would still respond to him after our pseudo talk yesterday?
I don't know but I'm not dwelling on it. It was completely unnecessary.
The plan was that once my son graduated high school we would move.
Things started happening at the home... 5k tree work, 12k new fence.. then needed to regrate/seed yard... My H suddenly got the impression that I would never leave the house.
Even when we talked about fences - I discussed putting up cheaper wrought iron since we were selling at some point but we both agreed that we liked privacy fences more.
But some comment I made about landscaping and he was like... that's it... I knew you would never leave.
***I told my H that if he said we are leaving or this M is ending I would have packed in 5min. He did his commute for a decade and it was now my turn to sacrifice for him. And, I said it that way. I do owe you. It's like Gladys Knight and the Pips --- I rather live with him in his world than without him in mine.***
That coupled with my self esteem and recent pulling away emotionally and physically... he folded like a house of cards.
