Sorry again I have been out for a few days! We have this project at work that has me fully immersed and when the kids are here I do not have a minute to stop.
So the first thing about my S6 hanging up is this bad habit he has developed to suddenly hang up when he is videocalling either me or her from the other's apartment. My W has accused me of not encouraging him to speak to her daily and calmly when he is with me but cannot understand that so I have started making an effort for him to spend at least 30 min when he is here talking to her.
So my S6 loves being around with me, I can set time aside to work with him through his homework, I have all these story and flaps books he loves, we play spyro on the ps4, we play football and I am giving myself to them. I feel so alone and miserable that they have become all the love I get. My W accuses me of trying to win them and I told her the other day the only way I think we four win is if ever we get to be a family again and I am only trying to be the best father I can.
I did send my W some paragraphs, I got pity and mocking comments when I saw her, I have not done it again. I can proudly say I am all NC now, I go to bed and have things to keep me busy or entertained, I wake up in the morning with new goals, plans and to-do lists and I will never ever beg her again for a simple coffee or dinner. The other day for example she told me in a mocking tone that I could keep trying to fix us like I had been doing for the last 10 years without success, these comments make me realize how cold and distant she is right now, better back off.
Yesterday I dropped the kids with her and it was the first time when after enjoying some time with them together I was the first one to want to go, I genuinely wanted to leave so I opened the door to her building and as I was saying goodbye she started crying and told me she could not bear anymore my accusations. She told me she was not happy either but she could not be with me, she had suffered for a long time and now she could not start clean.
I told her I knew she had been banging her head against a wall and that I was sorry and would give her all time and space she needs. To that her reply was that I am stubborn, that I must accept we are separated and it is probable we are never together again. I got strength from inside and told her I had accepted it and she told me she does not understand why we cannot speak like friends and that it feels like I am punishing her. I told her I could happily talk about our children and the only one to shift the blame 100% on the other here was her and walked away (I am sorry but I just felt like I also have to set boundaries for me and her tears did not seem genuine, you cannot just cry and then say do not dare coming close to me in an angry tone)
I have some questions maybe you all can help me with. I can perfectly separate our children from adult relationship, yet I cannot be her friend like all is roses and happiness and oh yes we share two children but do not love each other. I read all this DB stories were Hs say the first step is to be friends again, what on earth is wrong with me? why can't I ignore the fact that we have a broken marriage? it hurts so much to hear her talk about us as nice memories!
Also I dont know what to think about her tears, she has used them in the past to get her way and they come out of nowhere. A minute ago she is ignoring me and when I am going to leave she bursts into tears, what is she playing at? I did not want a separation, I asked for time to work on me and gave her options to build a new life in Spain but her answer is you know the only thing I could not see fitting in my life was you (wtf? could someone hurt you more with a sole sentence?). I feel like I carry 100% of the blame, I carry it all alone and she keeps talking about us never getting back as if I wanted to force her, I have had enough, I deserve someone who values me for the things I have and will achieve.
I read your golden tips almost daily and I specially keep an eye on that sentence, "give her time from talking to you, I mean months,... all of your actions so far have pushed her away". I have finally managed no contact, I no longer count the days, I dont have a deadline to save my M and all I have to do now is be the best me I can ever be. I hate fighting this war alone, I hate the uncertainty of knowing that regardless of your changes the output depends on her entirely and I hate myself for not being able to give my children a full and happy family.
I am better, it has taken me 6 months but I am, only I am still emotionally shattered inside and getting used to living day after day without big fancy future plans as I always had. Some days I feel apathy for this, but I pull myself back to mourn for the loss of my M and move on. The only good thing about all this guilt and pain is that it keeps me invested on being my best me every minute.
@Vergo, I am sorry you are here. Yes it seems I will also be selling a property in Germany by the end of this year. My W and I have not filed yet but as you can read here it seems we are sailing in that direction. I will go to your thread and try to help but see the positive of this, use the time wisely to be the best you for the new stage of your life.
Last edited by job; 04/30/2008:59 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
