Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[Kindly]

Cardinal I’m so sorry to hear the latest developments. You are right no one deserves to be treated like this and being stuck in our homes with our H’s adds such a level of difficulty and emotion.

Living in the house with him, on the receiving end of his behavior, I sometimes catch myself thinking I must have been a terrible wife/person for him to treat me so unkindly now. I must have really hurt him.

This exact thought goes through my mind often. I try to dismiss it as much as possible and replace it with all the support, love and caring I know I shared with H. Not easy with him reinventing the past, but it helps.

This is pretty much it, May. Does a SSM justify this? I feel terrible about that, about not realizing the hurt it must have caused him. But I also know I never felt he was my partner in changing the SSM. He probably feels that way about me too.

But I don't believe this justifies his behavior now, gives him a free pass. I can read a hundred times that it's NOT ABOUT ME, but it often feels like it IS about me, because he's making it about me in his mind. I have to remember it is not about me.

This is my biggest struggle. I feel like I destroyed him...because he told me I did. But as you said my H also was never my partner in making changes nor did he ever voice any opinions or feelings on ANY matters that came out during BD. I try to let that simple fact right there calm my mind and enforce that it is not about me and that I didn’t cause this. Boy Is it easy to go around in circles ...I assume this means we haven’t fully dropped the rope.

Speaking from very recent experience I fully agree with Wooba, Dnj and whomever else said consult a lawyer. I was petrified to take that step because I was in denial that this was really going to continue down that path. As emotional as this is and as we are, I can honestly say that this changed “the game” for me. Having someone to advocate for me in the business dealings as Dnj always says is paramount. It took me 4 consults before I found someone that I was compatible with that understood my situation for what it is. I told her I wanted to ensure all direction was coming from H and that we didn’t instigate anything but that I wanted to protect myself and know my rights. I truly am so much calmer for it in the business sense and feel like I won’t get taken. I wish it didn’t come to this but H has forced my hand as he won’t talk and insisted I get a L.

Again as Dnj accurately stated we merge onto two paths - the healing path and the business path. We have to look out for ourselves as H has proven he does not have the capacity to care.

Please take things slowly, you’ve done nothing wrong and handled his yelling the best you could. H will threaten you about money just like mine does with having to sell our house ...they find our fear and manipulate it...I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on myself and working through fear with Dnj and jobs help to disarm him...during his last spewing session I also pushed back and said I would no longer tolerate feeling threatened in my house ...we can’t sell during covid. He backed down but has retreated to his angry shark eye cave. At the point we are at nothing will change there minds so I feel we might as well stick up for ourselves, kindly and compassionately with as little to say as possible.
Deep breathes / meditate/ bake/ garden...and love yourself. We’ve got this and you’re not alone.
((((Cardinal))))