If I stay calm in situations like this, he thinks I am patronizing him. I suspect I responded too much to him during this “conversation.” Or should I have said more or something different when he tried to make me feel like I don’t belong in this house? I don’t know when to stick up for myself and when to say nothing. I just feel sick this morning. Thanks for any advice you can offer.
Cardinal, I'm so sorry that went down. I think your H's anger comes from a place of wanting control. You handled it with grace, and that was not easy. It happens to my H sometimes too, 99% he's civilized and friendly with a bit of aloofness, and 1% of the time he would be unable to restrain himself (whether because of emotional instability or influence of alcohol) and have verbal diarrhea. oh and my H LOVES to use money as a power trip, such as "I'm paying for all of this!" "If you're nice to me I will be more generous in our settlement (when trying to ask for sex)" ....things that the old him would NEVER say. Money is literally the only thing both your H and mine feel like they have control over right now, and they use that to manipulate, coerce, do whatever it is so they can control the narrative.
so the only thing you can arm yourself against that is knowledge and financial independence. I understand the latter is hard and it takes time to build up, but like kml suggested....anything you can do in the mean time to give yourself an edge when the opportunity arises? Can you get help from family? What do you teach? There are lots of websites now which can link you to students worldwide, maybe look into that? Knowledge is knowing how the laws work, some attorneys provide free initial consultation. It sounds like your H is not in a good place financially either, so a D might not be advantageous for him at this moment either.
Being in the same household and still under lock down, I would advise to not escalate the situation. If he's spewing hateful words, just state that "I will not be talked to this way" and walk away. I know if I called my H out and told him that he's verbally assaulting me, thing would blow up and nothing good will come out from it. In my opinion, there is no need to let him know that he's doing it, a fact is a fact and you should probably keep a record of all the hateful things he's saying to you.
My suggestion is less words about you worrying about him....what does he want from the store....you still see him as a friend....etc. stick to the facts.
H: "This is MY house!" You: "We're still married, 50% is mine."
H: " Don't worry about me! It's not your job anymore!" You: "You know what, you're right, it is not my job anymore to worry about you. But we live in the same house, I don't want your behavior affecting MY health."
If you are struggling to find the right words to say, just walk away.
