Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

No matter what you said or did, H was going to blow up.

I stayed away until I was calm, and when I came home, the first think he said was that our cats had let his friend pet them. I was feeling calm but like I needed to say something since he brought the visit up. I said, Actually, it makes me feel uncomfortable and weird to have other people in the house during the pandemic. He went to 11 immediately and yelled, “This is MY house and you’re not going to tell me what to do in my effing house! You can get the eff out if you don’t like it!”

You didn’t react when he had his friend over, so he upped the ante.

He was pushing your buttons to start a fight.

I mean really, the first thing he “needs” to tell you is that the cat let his friend pet them. No! He was purposely rubbing it in your face to get you to react.

The proof of that is his over reaction to you calmly telling him how having his friend in the house makes you feel uncomfortable. That is not a statement deserved of such wrath.

MLCers will push your buttons. And anything that they can use to justify exploding and shouting and being all angry, they will use.

And by the way, H just had a birthday. Another trip around the sun. Another year closer to the end. He is feeling his life shortening and all the things he hasn’t done. Special days do tend to bring the crazy out of the MLCer.

I'm a little sad today, wishing I could say or do more than just the "Happy Birthday!" greeting I gave him when he woke up. Can someone remind me why it makes sense not to tell him how I feel?

It makes sense not to tell MLCers your feelings because they can’t even handle their own.

A person in crisis is a bubbling angry pot waiting to boil over. After they boil over, burn everyone, and hurt everyone around them, they remove the heat and simmer down for a bit. Some A little bit of self reflection may take place within them during this simmering time. However, their fire and pain is still roaring away, and they will start to bubble again.

No matter what you say, if H is looking to explode he will. If you said how beautiful the blue sky was, he could turn that into an argument. H is irrational, and completely driven by his emotions. You had a front row seat to his crazy. He is irrationally driven, not insane, just in deep emotional turmoil. He can’t handle his feelings.

I would open the door so wide for him right now. There's nothing to do but drop the rope once and for all. I don't want to be in the vicinity of a person who would treat me this way. It is so against everything in me to be this way toward anyone, much less someone I've known for so long (and, you know, been married to). Am I supposed to just go on acting like nothing happened last night? I said good morning, but I just don't feel like being even moderately friendly to him.

My dear friend, cardinal, you are emotionally highjack at the moment. Perfectly normal and totally understandable.

Feelings do flit.

Do not make decisions from a place of emotion.

Detach and find indifference.

Two days ago, you wanted to write him a letter, to tell him about your feelings. Your good feelings. I suspect you still want to tell him your feelings, your current ones - please don’t. That bit of advice, like all the rest, is for you. (((cardinal)))

I am afraid of his anger. He's so different from the person I knew, the anger he had before so outsized now, his sense of entitlement grown so much... He seems to not take into consideration that I will be getting spousal support. In his mind, it seems I don't deserve anything, even a place to live. I assume if finances were going to be divided I would need a lawyer, because we would need some kind of binding agreement that I would be getting so much in support. And he has our very small savings in an account I can't access.

It’s high time you consider and investigate the business path of this. Do not assume your potential finances. Consult a lawyer and learn your rights and probably asset division.

You sense his hidden anger. Can even sense that he doesn’t think you deserve anything. This is not uncommon. Lots of MLCers lash out that way. They would leave you penniless and run off - if they could. Well they can’t!

I understand your fear. H is a different person and his rage is scary. Stand up for yourself. Create and enforce healthy boundaries. Uncouple your irrational fear.

A go way to start is rationalizing it. Talking to a lawyer and getting actual facts will quell the fearful what ifs regarding H and the fallout from whatever he might do.

Drop the rope. Detach. And find indifference. Oh, and by the way, it will most likely be compassionate indifference, you seem to be wired like that. (I kind of have some insight on that ) Compassionate indifference - counterintuitive, right until it ain’t.

You are on two paths. Your healing path, and the business path.

At the moment you need to focus upon the business side. Ensure you have financial protection and security. I’d also ensure your funds in the joint account, or even take half out. He did let slip a lot of money issues in his angry speech. Makes me wonder what he is doing.

Dig deep for patience.

Focus on you.

DnJ