Oh, job, I would open the door so wide for him right now. There's nothing to do but drop the rope once and for all. I don't want to be in the vicinity of a person who would treat me this way. It is so against everything in me to be this way toward anyone, much less someone I've known for so long (and, you know, been married to). Am I supposed to just go on acting like nothing happened last night? I said good morning, but I just don't feel like being even moderately friendly to him. He's made a couple of random chatty comments today, so he is not going to address last night or apologize. He did apologize after one early outburst a couple months in, so there was a very, very slim possibility.
I'm having a hard time sitting with how he wanted me to feel so small and dependent on him last night . Unfortunately I am somewhat dependent on his income, but it's true--I have been taking care of this house and yard and pets almost entirely myself for the last year. He made it clear he thinks I have no right to be here. In the moment, it felt like I had no real way to assert my own right to live here. If it comes up again, would it be wrong to say something like, "H, you know this isn't the decision I would be making, but you have made it clear we are getting a divorce. This is my home and I am not planning to change that. You are free to leave and pursue your life. I wish you the best."
I already can't imagine what he would do if I said that. I am afraid of his anger. He's so different from the person I knew, the anger he had before so outsized now, his sense of entitlement grown so much... He seems to not take into consideration that I will be getting spousal support. In his mind, it seems I don't deserve anything, even a place to live. I assume if finances were going to be divided I would need a lawyer, because we would need some kind of binding agreement that I would be getting so much in support. And he has our very small savings in an account I can't access. I can't fathom finding money for a lawyer when I don't have any better job prospects and everything is so uncertain with the pandemic and probably will be for a long time. Maybe that's what's stopping him from actually splitting finances. He has to know he depends on my extra income too.
I'm sure you're right about him hoping I would walk out. I don't think he wants to change his comfortable living situation. He doesn't like change. I'm worried he will now find ways to keep pushing me to leave. I won't leave, so then what happens? Or if I am lucky he will go back to being quiet and gone all the time (already left to have lunch with a friend today), and I just keep waiting for him to face the decisions he's made and act on them? Keeping digging deep to somehow stay civil and not break down and tell him how unfair and cruel he's being?
