We are none of us perfect. Happily, we do not need to be perfect in order to feel good. Nor, even more happily, do we need to live perfect lives. Misery stems, not from some lack of personal perfection nor from the existence of a less-than-ideal situation, but from the IDEA that things ought to be better than they are. High levels of expectation, based on some spurious, superficial comparison with an imaginary standard, equal pain. High levels of acceptance, based on tolerance, equal joy. Or, at least... they do now.
Had a great weekend. Called in sick to work today (part mental health, part allergies) so this will likely be my only time on the boards until tomorrow...
So...weekend was good after a rough Friday night...first big R blip in a while. h had his first exam saturday AM so we stayed in Friday night for him to study. He seemed tense and "off" -- actually had for the last few nights before that. I guess I'd say that our timing seemed off...I'd get home and feel a disconnect that I couldn't put my finger on...should've used AS IF
Anyway...we studied for a while, went out and got food to go and got home. h realized that he was out of soda so he said we'd both go later but at some point I offered to go and he didn't offer to go with me so I went by myself. it's right down the street so I was only gone 5 minutes but when I got back the screen on our computer was off -- pretty much letting me know that he had gotten on immediately after I had left. It really bugged me. I know I overreacted but it just felt secret/sneaky to me and I'm sick of the "secretness" (or one could call it "privacy" on a good day) of h's email/online stuff.
Anyway -- I got upset, he knew it and we basically had a brief argument. I was crying and said "don't send me out to run errands so that you can check your email" and he said "I didn't -- it just seemed like a good time to take a break".
Whatever. I kept my distance the rest of the night.
The next morning he woke me up with a hug and an apology. Said that he was sorry that he had been so insensitive to how insecure I must feel sometimes since he had screwed up (EA) and never wanted to screw up that way again. I apologized too for my mess up -- both the night before and what I brought into our m. issues. He said something like "we're ok. we make mistakes but still persevere together" or something like that.
It was a nice recovery and I'm very pleased that h initiated it. I shied away from pursuing more discussion around it because of where he is with exams and all -- but I'm wondering if I didn't miss an opportunity to understand more about how h feels...and how he intends to "not screw up" again.
Simpy put...I'm still very stuck re. his email and online stuff. there was a time about 6 months ago when he seemed more open about reading emails in front of me, talking about what's in them, etc...but now either I'm not noticing or he seems more closed off...of course it could be a reaction to me, right?
Anyway...he seems open to discussion eventually just not sure what it should entail.
rest of the weekend was great. he's great. I'm great. we're great.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
