Dear DB friends. I need some help processing what happened last night. H spewed at me for the first time since Nov. as you can see above, I was planning on letting go of the fact that he let someone into our home for at least the time being, as I didn’t think he would do it again. I stayed away until I was calm, and when I came home, the first think he said was that our cats had let his friend pet them. I was feeling calm but like I needed to say something since he brought the visit up. I said, Actually, it makes me feel uncomfortable and weird to have other people in the house during the pandemic. He went to 11 immediately and yelled, “This is MY house and you’re not going to tell me what to do in my effing house! You can get the eff out if you don’t like it!”
I realized later I should have calmly left the situation because he was yelling, even though I’m sure he would then say he wasn’t yelling. I didn’t, though. I tried to keep interacting with him with calm on my side. I said, I live here too, and as roommates it seems respectful to each other to check before letting people in the house right now. I think I also said he is also free to live where he wants.
You’re talking like you’re an equal roommate! He said. I pay the rent, I pay the bills, I pay for groceries! If you want to play it this way, we can start dividing everything up. Is what you want to start paying me half the rent? You can give me $$ every month!
It felt like a threat. I said, All of my money goes into our joint account. I’m not sure what else you want me to do. It’s your choice how you move forward. He continued spewing about how he won’t be lectured to like a child—he sees his friends all the time and they take precautions, they don’t touch each other.
I said, I’m glad you’re taking precautions. I worry about you sometimes because you’re higher risk.
Don’t worry about me, he said, still yelling. That’s not your job anymore. You don’t have to think about me!
It’s not that easy for me to erase you from my life, I said, still, I think, speaking evenly and calmly. I do still care about you as a friend.
He continued on about how he’s not going to be told what to do, yelling that the friend came in to the front room and went to our backyard (what? Is he showing off all the work I’ve done on it? It would be dead by now if it were up to him!), and that I was treating him like a child and he won’t be told what to do in his own $&?! house.
I ended by saying I’m sorry you feel that way. I didn’t mean to sound like I was lecturing you. I can’t control what you do. I was just telling you how it made me feel. He said something sarcastic. I asked him if he needed anything at the store and left for a couple of hours to call my mom. I came back and acted normal, and he was in cold headphone mode again.
The shock has worn off a bit and I just feel terrible. I know this is typical, but when he’s been so friendly lately and has never made me feel bad about living here, it’s hurtful and scary to hear all of this from him so suddenly. Please help me work on understanding how this response is not about me. He is a complete stranger—the complete contempt in his voice was horrible. It pains me that he has this much anger still. The only thing I can make sense of is that he’s still pushing down all of his feelings and they explode at me. He hasn’t been working on processing anything, so this kind of anger is inevitable. He complains that his boss treats everyone like children. He’s probably stressed about money because he doesn’t have all the fun extra cash he had from the other gig he lost due to Covid. I can’t imagine on some level he isn’t angry at himself for lashing out and saying these things, because he was always bothered by his outbursts of anger when I would stay calm in arguments during our M, and he would usually accuse me of making him feel stupid, like a child, and like the bad guy. He’s stressed about not having bars and concerts to go to. It’s not like he’s not hanging out with his friends anyway.
I don’t want to file, but I don’t know how to proceed. I still don’t think he wants to face any of the reality of giving me anything during a D or having to do the work. He’s made excuse after excuse to others about why he hasn’t filed. The last time he talked to me about doing it in Nov., he was very calm and apologetic, and when I tried to follow up on his suggestion that we talk about how we might start coming to this agreement he suggested we could come to, that’s when he spewed about having a new life and not having time to talk to me.
If I stay calm in situations like this, he thinks I am patronizing him. I suspect I responded too much to him during this “conversation.” Or should I have said more or something different when he tried to make me feel like I don’t belong in this house? I don’t know when to stick up for myself and when to say nothing. I just feel sick this morning. Thanks for any advice you can offer.
