Congrats! 51 times around the old fireball. (Need to update your signature line. I know. Us old timers get forgetful. )
I know the birthday was tough for you.
My 50th birthday was a month after BD and leaving. XW did contact me, telling me how she knows this is not how I imagined my 50th birthday (geez, you think, lol). The next year no contact.
For both birthdays I was surrounded my my kids, parents, family and friends. Had a party, etc. And was so alone.
This year, at 52, I had a wonderful time. Hang in there. It does get much easier and better.
You are correct that interdependent is the end goal. As you said, you are/were both codependent. One needs to become independent before they can become interdependent.
Getting to independence is the big journey for the MLCer. Just about everything they do, all the running, promotes their dependence upon things and others for their happiness and joy in life. They have a lot of growing up to become independent adults. Interdependent is after, and they need to be independent for a while before progressing.
I am not going to berate you for driving over to OW’s to spy on her and possibly H. I’ll just agree with you - yes, that was a stupid thing to do. Lesson learnt. Yes?
Your recent R conversation with H. Lots was said. Now, let him think upon it. For a good while. No more. Let him bring it up next time, and let him do the bulk of the talking and leading. Validate and listen. He needs to sort through his own thoughts and feelings. I know, unfair.
I get it. You want to tell him how much you’ve grown, you’ve changed. You want to help him, encourage him. etc. The best way to tell him, is to be her. To live it, and lead it.
He will start another conversation. He is working through something. Time will tell the result.
Depression is ever present for the MLCer. It shows more and more as they run less and less. When he enters deep depression you will know.
Be a safe place for him to land. That’s all. You can’t fix him, you didn’t break him.
I see much hope in your situation.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
)