Catching up on threads can be a daunting task for sure. This forum is slow when compared to a phone call. You and Grace are lucky to have a IRL connection. I am happy at that “spoiling” that a you have.
I think it is a good sign of healing when one realizes the limited time available for here because they are so busy elsewhere. I do understand your limited free time and appreciate it when you invest some of it with me us here.
Yeah, I still talk like it’s just you and me sitting down having coffee.
Three characters - H, H’s L, and judge. Wow, what a group to have to face. The court proceedings have always sounded horrible. It will be such a relief when the settlement is reached.
I am sorry your kids are having a hard time. Setting boundaries and standing up for themselves is coming. Yes, it’s slow. Have faith and remember, you don’t heal them, you guide them, they heal them. You are the role model. You explain and empathize. They question, rationalize, accept, and heal.
S14, is growing up into a man. He is smart and sees what is going on. I like that he seeks to understand and is making choices to protect himself and consider boundaries. Do help him realize how to do that compassionately.
For a lad of 14, he needs some man stuff to do. And no that’s not all just sitting on the couch and burping. Although that does require many years of practice to get it right. Lol.
Last year, S14 was working with some construction worker and enjoyed it. He had some good male role models, and learnt some stuff. How about you ask S14, and encourage him, to fix those broken windows.
When I was 14, I mowed various lawns and shovelled snow. I also had a job as a handyman. I worked for a wealthy lady and repaired and remodelled a few rooms in her very large house/mansion.
Oh, that was a gorgeous house. I was amazed I was trusted to work there. I’d go over on weekends and work unattended. She’d tell me what she wanted the finished product to look like and I’d go about it. She set up a line of credit at the hardware store for me and left me to get things done. I’d get advice from my Dad, who was a rather handy man too.
So, for S14. I think fixing those broken windows. Painting them and reinstalling them would be such a good thing for him. And of course you get some windows fixed too.
Same for the hammock. He can manage to get that set up in the rat garden. He is probably pretty strong. Also, I don’t think you need any big rental drill for anchors, the basic small hand held one with a carbide bit will be fine for the anchors. However, I might suggest a hammock with its own stand, one that doesn’t affix to the wall. It is movable and doesn’t require any of that difficult installation.
There are lots of instructions and videos on the internet for how to glaze a window. (btw, glaze means install in window-speak so glazing putty is just installation putty).
Helping out - in a manly style - will be beneficial for son. Guys get a boost when they fix, create, and do stuff. He’ll get a boost in self confidence, and self image. Even emotional balance. Us men are weird that way. It’s how we define ourselves - at first.
I hope I’m not intruding too much here. It’s just, I do have some experience in this, being a guy, and raising three boys.
I also have a daughter.
Daddy will alway be a daughter’s first love. So yes, D11 will show signs of a middle school type relationship. It’s ok. She’ll grow and the relationship will mature.
Unfortunately, her Dad, is not a very good role model. You cannot go against this. Fighting D11 on this will not work. Have faith she will grow and will see what’s actually going on. And probably sooner than you think.
For now, and always, you are Mom. That is it’s own special bond. A bond between you and son, and a bond between you and daughter.
Keep showing D11 a good path. Tell her those ideals, assure her of her worth, let her feel safe with you. She is learning how to face and speak up to her Dad. A tough thing. Remember she loves her Dad. Learning boundaries and standing up for one’s self are hard lessons. Encourage her to find her voice and her compassion.
People do tend to define themselves by their hands, by what they do. Projects for S14 will alter his self image. It’s the same for D11. Projects will alter her. Help her to find her way.
My daughter had an affinity for babysitting. That nurturing instinct, which seems to usually be stronger on the female side, was indeed strongest with her when compared to the boys. D11 just turned eleven, so that is a little further away. However, there are many things a little “Gerda” would be able to, and want to do.
Let her embrace her artistic side. She can make a bead curtain for her bedroom doorway. I wonder what pattern or picture she would want to create out of beads. It’s a good way for a young girl to express herself.
Just a few ideas.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
