Thanks steve for kinda clarifying I'm not crazy in not wanting to forget. The self-differentiation from the little I've read makes a lot of sense. We were definitely missing that in our marriage or least I was. Truthfully I always believed at the bottom of my heart that marriage was about becoming one. That if one of us were invited somewhere then the other was by proxy and that was kinda how people saw it. That was actually a big fight a little while back.
The last couple days haven't been much better. She told me that she told another family member and it kinda set me off. It especially irritates me that she won't be honest and tell others about how it came to head with the affair. Just that she was talking to some guys and was in a group. It just hurts to feel like she can't take any blame even just for the infidelity. This particular person is our god sons mother. I met with my therapist the same day. He seems like a nice guy. Mostly I just broke down about the marriage since its the main issue with me right now. But also talked about my far reaching insecurities and problems with trust and control. Fear and negativity. He said a lot of those things we can try and create new habits that will hopefully help adjust my mindset. He also coaxed me to say I wanted to save my marriage, I was trying not to since I didn't want this to be about that but about me. He gave me the name of a book to read to try and help me understand her mind set better so I could hopefully be better in that regard. I asked what he thought about me wanting to fight and he said if you want to save your marriage I think you should do everything you can before giving up. He also mentioned that if she was there it would be easier to work out the problems and the only thing I can do alone is hope to convince her to come back through actions. He agreed based on our conversation that I shouldn't talk about things that she doesn't bring up. He also spent a good chunk of time asking over and over again if I felt any love or want for her to return, even just the slightest glint in the eye occasionally. I said I honestly didn't. Im pretty certain he was trying to get me to see that it all may be useless.
So yeah was kinda more of the same today emotionally speaking but I'm working very hard to keep my mouth shut. Think I might go out after dinner and just be away for a bit but haven't decided yet. Conversation has been pleasant today but then again it always is until I bring something up or overstay my welcome. Otherwise were old friends, but not close enough to discuss things like her current hobbies.
