Job and May, your advice on writing a letter was helpful just to think about. May, I remember reading about your note to H in the box of ornaments. I think if mine ever leaves, I will think about writing something short and sticking it with his ornaments. I thought about it at Christmas, but didn't pack his in a separate box. There is a box I didn't get out that has many of the ornaments he made as a kid that his mother saved and gave to me. H always thought that was ridiculous, that she saved so many. I know job wasn't suggesting I give him a letter, but maybe it will be enough just to know I could hide a note in the future, for him to read in a further future, if I wanted to.
Can, thank you for your words here too. It is comforting to know someone else is feeling/has felt these things. My note to him today would look very different than my note on the morning of his birthday! He was gone most of the day, came home with a cake box from the grocery store, and then left again. We've always made each other elaborate cakes for each other's birthdays. We learned to bake and cook together. Somehow it never occurred to me he would still be having cake, just not with me. It hit me pretty hard. He didn't even save me a piece or mention it, though there's a container of leftover cake in the fridge. I have to say, I couldn't stop myself from asking nicely, "How was the cake?" after he had some for dessert in his room last night. I think it caught him a little off guard, but he just said it was good.
And then today one of my friends reached out to tell me he'd posted photos on social media from his birthday, hanging out with his group of new friends, no one wearing masks. She was worried for my health. (H also used to look down on posting photos on social media, of course.) I'd assumed that's where he was, so it didn't surprise me. I mentioned it to our mutual friend, who was surprised, maybe because he's been very careful Covid-wise when he's seen her. She's elderly, so I know she's taking precautions too.
New kinds of hurt come and go. No cake. No consideration for me, which isn't new, but hurts newly sometimes. As I was writing on Kindly's thread, I find it hard to step back and look at his behavior objectively sometimes. He thinks he is being a friend to me. He thinks we're divorced, so any and all behavior is totally justified. I think: if he wanted a D, there is a way to do that and still be compassionate and kind, and he is not doing that. Back to: MLC, some kind of crisis, not himself, etc. etc.
Living in the house with him, on the receiving end of his behavior, I sometimes catch myself thinking I must have been a terrible wife/person for him to treat me so unkindly now. I must have really hurt him.
Originally Posted by May22
He has a narrative all built up in his head and words out of your mouth just aren't going to change that. He is too dedicated to believing his own story to let something that you say throw it off. My H had needed to convince himself that I didn't really love him (because of the SSM) and also that our M was unsalvageable in order to justify his own behavior. Me saying in those R talks that I did love him and had never stopped totally fell on deaf ears. He *couldn't* really listen and believe me because that would mean that all these cascading choices he had made were based on a fallacy and make him be the bad guy instead of me... so he just didn't believe me.
This is pretty much it, May. Does a SSM justify this? I feel terrible about that, about not realizing the hurt it must have caused him. But I also know I never felt he was my partner in changing the SSM. He probably feels that way about me too.
But I don't believe this justifies his behavior now, gives him a free pass. I can read a hundred times that it's NOT ABOUT ME, but it often feels like it IS about me, because he's making it about me in his mind. I have to remember it is not about me.
