a new normal

[may22]

Thanks, Wayfinder and CW. I know you're both right. Today is just harder than usual to shake this bummer feeling.

I just looked in the fridge and he put the really good beers in there that he's been saving for awhile. And last night was talking about what he was going to make for dinner tonight, something special (though I think more to do with the fact we got our CSA box yesterday and there were some pretty great ingredients in there).

Wayfinder, the idea of this being the first anniversary of M2.0 really struck me. I guess part of the reason I'm reacting poorly right now is that it doesn't yet feel like we have embarked on M2.0 and I don't feel like we will until we've dug into the A and excised all that poison the best we can.

The last time we saw the MC (holy c**p, now more than two months ago... WOW) and he didn't want to talk about what happened when he broke it off with her in person, he said he felt like I wanted him to burn all the boats and move forward. I was like, right. Duh. He said he just wasn't ready to burn the boats. And I guess I am not ready to call this M2.0 until he burns the boats.

Now, I definitely think he is in a much, much different place than he was then-- even now, thinking about sitting there in the MC's office and having that conversation, I know things have changed a lot. And from his behaviors and responses to me when stuff does come up, I think he's a lot closer to burning the boats than he was. He might even be ready. But I can't say we are in M2.0 until he can look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me, he wants to be with me-- not me the mom of his kids or me his best friend, but me as his wife and partner in life and all that entails. That he's willing to do whatever it takes and tell me whatever I need to know to move forward, and to face that part of himself that lied and cheated and was the exact kind of person he always despised. TBH, I think he's ready to put the AP in the past and focus on us. He's been doing that for awhile now. I just don't think he's ready to face himself.

Maybe this is our anniversary of M1.5. I still totally take both of your advice to heart and think you're right, I need to put all those feelings to the side and be present and have gratitude for what I do have, which is a lot.