I will tell you all that donuts surely don’t make up for what they have done. I’ve forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten. At times I wonder if I’m weak because I accept the kindness and don’t still remind him how awful what he did was. What both of them did. But where would that get me? Certainly would get me farther away from peace, not closer. And I just want my own peace.
How am I doing otherwise? I dunno. Some days I’m fine. Some days I am sad, other days I don’t know how I feel. And that might be the worst place for me. Feeling torn in my feelings. I know I’m tired. I know I hate working 2 jobs. I also know I’m lucky to have 2 jobs. I feel lucky that I am I can recognize I can be happy uncoupled and that it would be worse to be coupled with someone who doesn’t add to my life, doesn’t value me, or just stresses me out. But I sometimes I am just tired from having to take on all the responsibility of the world alone. And not to have someone’s shoulder to lay my head on and feel safe with at the end of the day
In a nutshell, I feel very conflicted lately. It’s a little unsettling. But I guess we all feel that way right now.
My aunt is still at the hospital and while she is doing Ok with the COVID, she is just mentally gone. And it is so sad. Her psychotic dementia is bad. I hate it for everyone. She is only 70.
My manager’s last day was officially yesterday. We have no replacement so I am doing the schedule along with the admin assistant. I took on a bit of a stressful job with no additional compensation. Hopefully I won’t upset anyone. We plan to fair like my manager was. She will be missed very much.
A few coworkers and I went to see if we could see the blue angels fly for the healthcare workers today on the main rd outside the hospital. Everyone who drove by us waned and thanked us. It’s very humbling .
My dad and his wife have been slowly getting me some birthday gifts. They ordered me a new outdoor dining set I’m excited to get. I’m super depressed about turning 40. First, I really thought M and I would get to celebrate together. Then obviously not. But I had friends who were going to make it special for me and we were going to FL . And now, we’ll. Nothing . Stinks. Not only will I be alone, I’ll be very very very alone. Except of course for my daughter. But you know what I mean.
But I will count my blessings. When I get down, I just count my blessings. I know what they are and I don’t take them for granted
