Please remind me: How will I know when she's reaching out to keep me on the back burner, as opposed to reaching out to try to reconcile?
When the WW has selfish, manipulative, ulterior motives, she'll "reach out" to the LBH through various ways. At least, the LBH sees her as reaching out, but in reality, she's playing him for a fool. She has not changed, and doesn't intend to change her mindset. When the WW is keeping the LBH on the back burner, she will throw just enough breadcrumbs to cause him to keep hanging on for a R. Whenever she sends a photo, or a text that really requires no response, or a "like" on his social media, or she suddenly asks him for a hug, or appears warm & friendly.....(but usually holds him at arms length romantically)........she's simply throwing crumbs to keep him emotionally attached. She may call him up to have long talks, which are usually all about her feelings. She wants the LBH to be her "best friend".....or suggest they "hang out" (like friends). Another way is she'll tell him they need to meet and "talk", but it's never goes quite like he hopes or she changes her mind the next day. His biggest problem is thinking any of these times she seems to be "REACHING OUT" is going to eventually lead to reconciliation. He's scared to shut the door to any opportunity of that possibility......and therefore, he stays available to her. However, she's only reaching out due to selfish reasons and she will continue to call upon his availability as often as it keeps him on the back burner. (This little technique has been proven to continue even after they divorce and he is married to another woman!) Another thing to notice is that she is not very consistent in her words & actions, and it leaves the LBH feeling confused. As I said, she's giving him just enough crumbs to keep him emotionally attached, but she is nowhere close to being authentic about changing from her waywardness.......or about reconciling. These things are a few examples of her playing the LBH.
When the WW really comes to her senses, and truly wants her H back, she will stop playing games with him. She gets serious, and if she genuinely wants to reconcile, she'll usually be fairly direct and ask him his thoughts/feelings about getting back together. If she's remorseful and feels humility in her soul, she'll genuinely apologize for all the horrible things she's done to him. She will be willing to do whatever is necessary to save the M. She'll want to convey her willingness to do what he needs in order to get his trust back. She'll want to convince him she's committed to saving the M. I keep using the word "genuinely" b/c if she has not had an awakening and she's simply trying to sliver under the door to get back into the home, then she'll continue to play games.
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This is one reason most LBHs fail, I think. Because they don't know the difference.
Maybe, but where I sit, it looks more like the LBHs fail b/c they are too resistant in believing what the board tells them and they persist in trying to come up with some logical answer as to why she's doing whatever she's doing. It doesn't work b/c he doesn't have her figured out. He would have better success if he acted like he couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, instead of thinking every little move from her is some type of "sign" she wants back. He needs to realize many WW's want back into their comfortable lifestyle, without making commitments to doing the work. What kills me is how many LBHs are willing to accept those terms!
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The dogs are literally the only reason we still see each other. But she doesn't want to split the dogs up, and she doesn't want to keep them full-time, and she doesn't want me to have them full-time either. They are like our kids; how can you give up a kid? Or split your kids up?
Healthy minded people don't put their wayward spouse above the well being of their flesh & blood children. No matter how much you love your pets, I tend to think you would have no problem putting your WW above your dogs! If she told you she wanted to R but wanted to start over without the dogs.........I think you would be able to find another home for the pets.
Frankly, I think you are searching for excuses instead of issuing a measure of tough love. You think that seeing the dogs will grow into spending more time together and eventually leading to reconciliation. You are so scared if she doesn't have the excuse of seeing the dogs, you'll lose her forever. Remember what I told you about a WW getting serious and being direct with the LBH? I think a lot of LBHs fail by making things too easy for the WW to return to the M. Speaking as a former WW, let me assure you that she needs to work hard to get her MR back again. You seem to find this excuse to see her, b/c you are thinking like dating years, where boys find excuses to get together with some girl. Trust me, when she gets serious about reconciling, she won't need an excuse to find you.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
