Still practicing NC, only responding short and polite to any texts messages sent my way. Unfortunately the only texts I am getting are about him taking active steps for splitting things up. Selling large assets without discussion although he is putting money in joint account for example.
I’m still taking care of everything responsibility wise that he walked away from. I understand why it’s a relief for him to walk away and now have this free time on his hands to go drinking and partying (maybe it would be the equivalent of me running away from responsibilities and spending my free time at the beach!) but before BD he had a strong mindset toward taking care of the things he needed to take care so this flashes in my mind with every task that I’ve added to my plate since he walked away. I’m capable of doing these tasks but it’s a reminder that he walked away every time I need to take care of something.
I haven’t said anything more about splitting finances, I’ve separated my paycheck from the joint accounts but have not addressed anything further. This isn’t what I want so I’m not going to help him wrap things up.
NC is so hard right now because I’m panicking that he is going to take it as the sign he needs move on. I know that every other LBS says the same thing and I’ve only been practicing NC for less than a week so I’m staying the course. At least I have my dignity not begging.
Therapist (was MC, now IC for each) says he is confused and he did ask about me during his session (when I remarked that he probably doesn’t say a word about me to Therapist). Nothing I’ve seen reflects that. He won’t look at me (I came home the other day and he was outside, he was here picking up the previously mentioned asset he sold) and he got in his vehicle and left right away.
I feel like he is trying to distance himself as much as possible because he is afraid he will waver on his decision to end it if he sees me or talks to me.
I know I’m not detached because I think about him all the time. I’m taking active steps to do what I can to increase detachment. I took steps with social media so I couldn’t see what he was up to because I’m not going to like what I see. I turned contact on mute on phone so it doesn’t ding and I don’t respond right away.
I truly understand that he needs space to sort out whatever is going on with him, I’ve accepted that now.
I’m working on GAL, exercising, working on gratitude journal daily, making small daily goal lists,, listening to music that makes me feel bad ass
I’m just afraid that he is so stubborn that he will follow through with ending it and him having the NC toward me as well makes me feel like he assumes I won’t change because he can’t see it.
(Please note in the last statement that I recognize he has work to do before he would be allowed to come back and I do realize that the changes I’m working on with IC are for ME and not for him. IC seems pleased with progress I’m making toward realizing things and ways I’m working at changing previous mindsets. I’m just saying that that work is being done on my end but because there is solidly NC between us right now he won’t waver from his stubborn path because he doesn’t think the status quo has changed.)
Working to make these changes has given me a measure of self respect. I’m turning into the storm instead of turning away. Believe me, the old ElevenDiamonds would be building a wall of self protection against the pain right now. It’s a daily battle to embrace the pain and not try to run away from it but I know I know I’m strong enough to do it. And I love him enough to do so even if at the end of this journey he isn’t strong enough to do it himself.
