MLC newbie- new thread

[Believe6]

Can, thanks for the advice to say "it doesn't matter." I do have control over what I do and say.

So I was at lunch and when I came back from the kitchen, H was reading my computer screen. I had another website up that talked about MLC. He asked, "So you reading about me?" I said yes, I was. He asked what I think I learned. I asked if he really wanted to know. He said if I wanted to share. So I explained a bit. I did get emotional and explained I know how scary and painful this must be. That I think I was going through this myself, just in a different way, for the past 3 or 4 years. I cried and explained that I cry not just for me but for him because I see how confused and in pain he is.

I actually asked if he thought about his childhood and how this could be affecting this. He said he had a normal childhood. I may not think so, but he's not going to try and come up with something like molestation when it's not there. I wonder now if there is something in his childhood. He's often said he can't really remember too much growing up.

He asked me why I'm trying to analyze him. I told him, I'm not trying to analyze, I'm trying to point out that our foundational experiences can trigger us. They are hidden and something happens and they become things we need to heal to get through these times. I said, at least for me, I know I need to address things from back then and any other traumatic event to heal them so I can become better. I said, you don't have to tell me about it, it's just something to consider as you go through this. He just looked at me. Not saying much.

He said he is tired. I said I understand that I am too. I asked if he's tired of being with me. He said that's part of it. He said sometimes he feels good being by himself and sometimes he wants to go far away. I told him I understand. That maybe he should take a few days alone as some hotels are open during this crisis. He said he'd think about it.

He said he wonders if we are right for each other. I said, please don't speak for me. You may wonder if I'm right for you, but I know you're right for me. If you are wondering if I'm right for you, I can understand that. I think you need to get to know me again. I think we need to see what I did that was wrong in the relationship and if I can or am wiling to fix that. And same for me with you. We also have things to forgive. Both of us.

I told him that I have changed and will continue to change. I wish he could see it, but I can't control what he will or will not acknowledge.

I asked him if I was such a terrible wife. He said no, you weren't. He said he just thinks about all the bad stuff and it's hard. I said eventually he'll have to tell me the bad stuff or it will be poison, not just for him, but for us and trying to even maintain a friendly relationship. He says he should have brought up stuff from the past that bothered him. I told him yes and we could have dealt with it, but we can still deal with it now. He said he just isn't up to it and I said I understand.

I asked him, if you were wondering what I was researching or doing on the computer, why didn't you just ask me. He said because he knew I was hiding something because when he comes into the room I switch screens. I said I know you're doing the same thing because you switch too. I don't ask you because I am giving you the space you need.

It's strange how you can see their eyes and faces change. It's like seeing the alien show up. I saw it when I commented about him doing the same thing (computer screen thing). He stood there for a bit.

I said before we decide on a long separation, we both promised we'd try to work on this. Can we at least stick to that? And if you do need to stay with your siblings or get an apartment, that's totally your choice. I know you've said you need space. Again, he just looked thoughtful. Sad and in pain, but thoughtful.

There's more, but I can't really remember all we said. Really, trying to not get emotional and stay calm made me dizzy. The heat doesn't help because we don't have AC right now so I can't really remember all the rest.

Anyway, He walked away to stand in the livingroom before heading back to his office. I think he was worried that the kids may see him and I think he teared up. He really is terrible at emotions... anger, pain, even deep love.

I am praying for him. He is so very lost. He is so tired. I can see it. But he will only get more tired if he keeps hiding from these things that are tormenting him. And it's not my fault. I am not the cause. He is. It's all on him, but as he can't face his own choices. And honestly, his life... OUR life is amazing. It really is.

I know MLC steals their right vision from them and I won't defile the marriage and life we had by succumbing to his version of it. I will validate and say I'm sorry you feel that way. Or I'm sorry you see it that way. But in my heart and in my mind, I know the marriage, life and family we had and built.

God needs me and wants me not to give in to H's version of this. My kids, my family/friends, and I deserve better. We were not a mistake. This, our life, was a blessing. It feels so wrong to make it seem like it wasn't. Everyone we know would think what a spoiled brat to not appreciate what we had/have.

And I would agree with them. The funny thing is? H hates people he considers spoiled, He even said he thought I was spoiled growing up because I grew up in a upper middle class family. We took trips, my parents sent me to college, I didn't ever worry about buying stuff.

But I had my own share of emotional trauma growing up and so money doesn't keep you from your own turmoil. I wasn't spoiled, in that negative sense. I have always worked hard. H even complained that I was a workaholic and often put work first. I care about people and do what I can to help and serve. I listen and try to fix myself, if I hurt someone (and I don't think it's an unreasonable request).

So it's funny how he is becoming everything he says he hated. Spoiled, self centered, selfish, adulterer, hermit (and really withdrawing from friends), etc. But that is their path.

We still talk throughout today. Trying just to keep it to smart contact. Like finances or the kids or dinner. It's strange to have that kind of talk mid day and now we are back to acting like acquaintances. But I know I need to follow his lead.

So there it is. I was doing so well yesterday and this morning. I felt calm. I was working on me. Giving him a wide berth and allowing him to deal with himself.

I am just waiting for the anger. He's said before he gets angry, but doesn't like to express it. I told him that it's natural and healthy to express it. He said that's me (I think I shared this in a prior post). Anyway, I kinda feel that is coming. He'll need to get that anger out or it may turn into a health thing. I pray he can find a way to move through these emotions.

I am guessing he's in withdrawal or maybe in acceptance? Although he hasn't shared any deep remorse so maybe depression. Trying not to get caught up in the stages. Cause although knowing them helps understand their journey, every one of our MLCers will process in their own way and we have no idea. That's why it becomes our journey for ourselves and our kids.

I am proud of myself though. I am not lying in bed in a pit of despair. I am here. Getting it out and letting it go. God has him. God has me. God has all of us and all our issues. We must let go and trust... so I will pray for that and strength.

Blessings