a new normal

[may22]

Hi guys,

I'm having some trouble today and would appreciate some advice if anyone is around.

Today is our 13th anniversary (lucky 13!). We have never given each other gifts but have always done something together-- out to dinner, a weekend away (if we could swing it around the time frame, if either of our parents were in town), etc. I woke up this morning just feeling really down. I thought about our last two anniversaries and how we "celebrated" them-- last year was right after the ILYB BD and I had already gotten a babysitter, H at first was like "why are we even doing this" and then when I said fine, I'll cancel, he said "then we'd just be sitting around here feeling awkward" so we ended up going out to dinner.

I've of course thought about that anniversary in the light of now knowing he was having an affair, but this morning was the first time I thought about the anniversary BEFORE and realized he also was having the affair then too. That year was in the depths of us fighting all the time and was actually right before we decided to see a MC. I'd thought about those times in relation to the fact he was in an A and how he was treating me, how we were fighting, etc., but not specifically about our anniversary through the lens of the A. I remember his parents were visiting us then and I told his mom I thought H was depressed and having a MLC. I remember being disappointed we didn't take the opportunity of his parents being in town to go to a hotel for a night (now I know why) and instead we went for a couple's massage and then out to dinner. It wasn't very fun.

The other tradition we always had... but fell apart in the last couple years (again now I understand why) was to pick out a song that represented that year for us, a song we both really loved, usually a love song/ballad. The first was the song we danced to at our wedding, then each year have added one. Usually around our anniversary or a bit after he would put together some possibilities for me to listen to, other years there would be a totally obvious choice. Two years ago, I suggested the Pink song Just Give Me A Reason, he said fine, he didn't seem to care, but I added it to the playlist. (Again. New lens on this. But to me it expressed what I hoped was happening.) Last year, we didn't pick one, but I'd been thinking about Shallow, but we just never had the conversation. This year, I just don't know what to do, if I should bring it up, just let it lie, see if he says anything about it, or not.

We haven't really thought or talked much about our anniversary this year. I woke up when my younger daughter crawled into bed to cuddle; H had an early morning work call. I laid in bed and just thought about all of this and how I should behave today-- do I say something? Let him say it first? After I got up he came in and went in for a kiss and a hug and said happy anniversary. I was startled with the kiss (this hasn't happened for a long time) and ducked it automatically. He started hugging me and said what's wrong? I didn't respond-- he asked if it was our daughter (who was saying mommy come back!) and I said no, he asked again what was wrong, I said I just felt weird. He said OK and hugged me.

Later in the morning he came by and gave me a backrub unsolicited while I was working at my computer and said happy anniversary again. He keeps coming by to check on me and is being sweet, I know he's a little worried about how I feel.

I don't know why I feel so down today. This past week we've had some conversations in which I've shared a little about how I feel, and they've gone much better than in the past. He hasn't gotten defensive and I haven't pushed it. We've had a couple small spats and he's apologized and taken responsibility for his own part (as have I) which feels good.

If I can separate my emotions from the situation, I know all the same things I keep telling myself-- patience (right WF???); things continue to improve between us; while he's not yet opening up to talk about the A that flash of anger and defensiveness has gone; we're actually getting along ridiculously well given all the circumstances; he's showing more and more of both my primary LL (acts of service) and his own (physical touch). So I know I just need to keep patient, stay the course, focus on myself and let go of that which I can't control. But I still feel down.

So... any practical advice on how to handle the actual anniversary today? I'm thinking of just going with the flow and seeing what he does. I don't know that it would be helpful for me to open up about how I'm feeling unless he asks... but I'm pretty sure he will ask unless I act happy. Which I don't really feel at the moment. He has come in twice to just say hi and I can tell he's gauging my responses to see if I'm happy or not... so far I've tried to perk up and act fine.