Thanks rooskers. I agree on so many of your points, in particular using Active Listening rather than Validation. It is nice to see all this advice spelled out clearly in a single post. I try to handle my business the way you describe, but reminders are very helpful.
I feel like W wants to engage in "truth battles" constantly. DB advice would be to let it go, ignore her narrative, it doesn't matter. Unfortunately when it comes to mediation and legal proceedings, some of these issues are critical to address. There is a slipperiness to her version of the truth. If I partially agree, it is taken as full agreement. My version of history is questioned, dissected, etc.
This is why I am insistent on agreements being formally documented and not informal one-sentence agreements. I don't trust. It's business to me, and like any business arrangement, I want it formalized. Nothing personal. It is absolutely exhausting and I find her extremely difficult to work with. Her attitude is that I am the one making all sorts of changes and requests (because she currently doesn't work, lives in an unaffordable house, and refuses to agree to 50-50 long-term, so the changes do need to happen primarily on her side). I hear things like "I'm trying to respect your needs and everything you want" yet she will not budge on the one item that matters to me above all else.
I have a few books on how to deal with toxic people (from dealing with issues with my FOO). You are right about the advice being the same here. Boundaries in particular. And letting the small stuff go.
I imagine we will be parallel parenting for awhile. Maybe long-term we will settle into something healthier for the children. I certainly want that. But I will not be doing so at the expense of my rights as a father.
Lately for pick-up/drop-offs we barely look at each other. W always has sunglasses on. Little words are exchanged. I try to remain pleasant. Things are tense, everyone is on edge, and it might get worse soon. It's all so disappointing to me -- we have 3 beautiful children who are doing an incredible job adapting. We both love them very much. They are truly great kids. If she could move past the idea that I am some abusive unrepentant monster I think we could all start to move on and heal. Otherwise this is heading down a long, drawn-out, expensive, emotionally challenging road that seems completely unnecessary to me.
I look back at the apology letters I wrote and I am horrified by my willingness to just completely emasculate myself for the sake of saving a MR which was absolutely lousy at that point.
