Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Hi All. Have been silent for some weeks so thought I'd provide an update.

Working at home has its ups and downs. It's great that I can literally fall out of bed and get to work. At first I struggled to keep to my usual work hours and ended up working late just ot get stuff done, but I'm more in a routine now.

Going for a walk daily. We have a big field near the house so am exploring different routes each time. My mum comes with me most times too. We enjoy watching and listening to the birds. We even spotted a muntjac deer in one of the smaller fields so was nice to watch him for a bit.

What I've found is I'm filling my time easily. Books, TV, films, writing, walking, exercise. etc. I may buy a new instrument and learn it. I'm thinking hammered dulcimer. I've always loved the sound. I also bought a good microphone so I could do a split-screen video of me playing all the instruments I own doing an 80s song cover, which might be a fun project! I'm learning about the different techniques of using certain bits of software at the mo.

What is weird is that, as a divorcee, I do have the occasional flashback to R/M with XW. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry. I just acknowledge the thought most of the time. Yes there are times when I feel frustrated at how everything went. I am annoyed at myself for not being stronger at the time, I'm annoyed that I just moved out immediately without arguing, I just did it; then I get annoyed that I didn't refuse to do anything related to the house sale or D. But they don't last long; before I would think it over and over whereas now it's fleeting. I'm sure XW's mouthing off still occasionally to her family/friends to justify her decisions. "It's easier for me to leave you" is what she said. I think it's actually been a lot easier for me than for her!

Strangely, I don't feel divorced. I just feel as thought I've been shoved backwards and off-kilter a bit, but I've now turned myself the right way and am moving in the right direction. The saddest thing? It's XW's loss! I've always held the view that people do and can change for the better, with the right type of guidance. She's missing out on experiencing that with me. I then just get back to my own thing and work hard at it.

So generally, feeling very positive about things.