I've written a few updates but not posted them, nothing has fundamentally changed. I've taken the kids to visit H at our other house another 2 times, both times it was so nice just to get away somewhere scenic, but H mostly has ignored the kids and dragged me off to walk and told me all about his work stuff. He still has a job but all kinds of politics continue, he wants to get paid off, and it might result in protracted legal stuff. Sigh.
He has never really asked me about how I am or how I'm coping with lockdown. This week and last week, not well actually. I feel very lonely right now and socially isolated. The kids don't get up till late afternoon and don't want to talk much. They get on ok with each other but they're teens, they don't want to hang out much with their mum. Actually taking them to see H is the best bit of the week as they have to talk when we're in the car. They have been pretty sweet then actually, but still I can't get my social needs met by my teens that's for sure! So I am really struggling with not being able to see my friends, go running with my friends, or go anywhere except the supermarket. I don't know when things will get easier. And of course I can't date! I would really love to have someone to take an interest in my life and to care about me, someone to snuggle up to in bed and someone to talk to.
When we were visiting, H and I took the kids to throw a ball about and we had an unpleasant encounter with some busybody who was telling everyone in the park to go home. It upset all of us and H was very snappy with me on the way back. He did not connect the dots of why he was snappy, but it brought back all kinds of negative memories of his behaviour during our M. His lack of insight into why he treats me the way he has done is astonishing. I felt annoyed at his behaviour but also at my inability to tell him his behaviour was unacceptable. When we got back I went for a long walk by myself until it was time to leave, I wasn't really upset but more sad that H is incapable of treating me well after all this time, and also pretty determined that his lack of change means I will have to D him. H said sorry as I was leaving if he had upset me. I didn't give him a kiss goodbye as we left. He texted me the most ridiculous staccato apology about not intending to be rude or something along those lines. It was not very heartfelt, and it seemed more about him than about me. I haven't replied, and I haven't contacted him since as I don't know what to say. Maybe I should be more honest with him, but he has not been honest with me in, well forever really. I don't want to be married to someone incapable of treating me well, I don't want to continue being married to someone who is making no moves towards D but also no moves towards R. He treats me as a confidante for work stuff but not for anything else, and I am tired of feeling used. I'm tired of limbo, I'm tired of lockdown, I'm tired of everything right now. This too shall pass, hopefully my next update will be chirpier
