Moving forward

[rooskers]

Sometimes he is moody, or lets me know he thinks everything is my fault. I know they are big feelings, he is only 8, and he is going through a lot. I try to just listen and be there for him. So much weight on his shoulders, poor kid.

In the coming months and years he will be looking for consistency. He will want to see evidence that no matter what happens you will love him. He wants to know that you will not give up on him even when he gets angry or blames you for everything.

I'm going to have to pull myself up and get through this way or another. I am trying. But I feel I am spending a lot of time and energy flailing.

Unchien I have to say that I have admired what you have done. I did not take the route you did but divorced immediately and now have been going through the same thing you are (accusations of abuse, etc...) but luckily I have the divorce decree to fall back on. You tried your best and I think everyone here has been giving you good advice but it leans heavily on DB methods. I personally believe your wife and my ex require methods in addition to DB. They are actively out to hurt us with false accusations, gaslighting, using children as weapons against us, attack emotional weaknesses, and threats to make us hurt. This is not just about leaving us but about exacting revenge from something that they experienced earlier in life, and we are the ones it will be inflicted upon. I don't think this applies to most situations here at least to this extreme but your wife is highly abusive and you need to fight for your children and protect yourself as much as possible. I would contact her as little as possible and only through email, document everything, if you can do it through mediator or lawyer do that. Any contact with her will be used against you or will be manipulated in such a way by her as to harm you. I tried to give my ex her mail during a pick up and the next day got a formal email accusing me of abusing her during the exchange. I never went within 6 ft of her and have witnesses, and thank goodness I did, or I would have been hauled off to jail. I would not try to negotiate with her outside of mediation or through your lawyer, contact through email only, careful what you say about her around anyone because it will be found out by her, do not I repeat do not agree to anything less than 50/50 custody immediately. No validation because that will be used against you, use active listening to make sure you can clarify what she is saying and nothing else. Start researching parallel parenting because unless she makes changes to herself she is a danger to you and your children. Work on yourself in IC and look at books that talk about women abusing men, setting boundaries, and protecting oneself against toxic people. This is not to see yourself as a victim but instead will help you create healthy boundaries to protect yourself from falling into the same trap. Work on methods to reduce your anxiety. Learn the love languages of your children and realize you are an amazing father. I know you are probably doing most if not all of these things but sometimes it is nice to have another tell you.