MLC newbie- new thread

[Believe6]

Been a roller coaster. Some ups and now feeling way down. I didn't follow smart contact. I ended up asking for affection yesterday and, of course, he told me again he didn't love me. He cares for me like the old friiend I was but he just doesn't feel it.

I am hurt and hurting.I am panicking. I am doing my best to give these feelings over to God. I feel blesseed that i have a strong network of a few friends and even my mom. My mom doesn' t know about the affair, only that my marriage is in deep trouble and that he is suffering MLC.

But just knowing she's there when she wasn't there as much as a kid is such a gift. I guess there are some really good gifts from this craziness.

I am backing off again. Letting him lead the way. I did do something stupid the other day. He went out to do something and I had a feeling he was meeting her. I drove to her house and was going to leave when she came out and saw me in my car. I wasn't sure she did. I thought maybe she'd come talk to me, but I didn't move. I stayed in my car. She is on a busy street and I was far enough back I didn't think she saw me. But she didn't drive away. Honestly, I was going to leave , but she came out. My purpose was to follow her to see if she went to meet with my H. But she just sat in her car until her neighbor came out 10 min later. The car in between our cars. I would have been 2 cars back, but there was another car length open. Anyway, she talked to them and asked them to keep me where I was. She finally drove off. I didn't follow as I had already decided to stop.

I wasn't going to hurt her. I just wanted to follow. I think she was scared, but i've never threatend her. I also felt that maybe she called my H while I was waiting for her to leave before the neighbors showed up. But I can't be sure as I couldn't see her in her car.

I felt so bad after. I promised myself to detach and stop. But I just wanted to know if he has been lying about not seeing her or being in contact. I realize now that it doesn't matter if he is or not. He just isn't connected to any feelings of love for me at all.

It's all gone now. I am in so much pain. We still live here together and it's hard to see him... to long for him. To hear his voice and see his face, but to remind myself that is no longer my spouse. I know you all have your own pain. I know you all have stories that are similar. I am terrified of what's coming.

I know I need to keep going and working on me. I haven't been able to focus. It's been so hard. And now it's hot. Our AC doesn't work and I feel faint and miserable. I am feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop that.

Please pray for me or send me good thoughts. I think of you all often. I just sometimes don't feel the strength to come post here. Praying for you all. Wishing you peace.... light, love... and blessings