WW post D (Thanks BenB part 3)

[Ginger1]

I don’t know what social distancing means in other Areas of the country, by in mine there is absolutely no party guests, especially where kids are involved. My daughters best friend turns 13 today and yesterday we all did a drive by happy birthday and dropped gifts on the lawn.
Maybe social distancing means something different in other areas of this country, IDK. But if it does mean the same thing by you, you shouldn’t have anyone over, especially others kids. And if you insist, you should definitely tell you W.

[JosephS]

It’s a tough call honestly. I completely understand your want to have a normal as possible bday party for your D, but at the same time you don’t want your W to use that against you and claim you put your D in jeopardy by not respecting the guidelines of your state. Idk where you live but if there is a stay at home order, you could have that used against you.

And yes I know I took my kids to my brothers, but for me my out is on the edge of his property is a river. And fishing is encouraged in our state.

[ovrrnbw]

Mumin is in a country that isn't locked down.

I'd tell her. Your sister should be there if you want her to, if it makes your W uncomfortable then oh well.

[JosephS]

Well if you’re not on lock down, my apologies for assuming. And absolutely have that party and invite your sister. Enjoy the day the best you can with your D

[Ginger1]

I apologize as well. You mentioned corona as the reason not to have a party, so I assumed you were

[AnotherStander]

I agree with the others that you should coordinate this with your W. Even if your country isn't on lockdown, your W may have strong feelings about not having anyone over due to Covid. Sit down with her and say "I was planning XYZ but wanted to check with you first to see what you think". It's the respectful thing to do, and I think even despite your situation she would appreciate that.

[Mumin]

Thanks a bunch everyone for giving you thoughts!
Vapo, Ginger, AS, Joseph, Ovr (welcome back to my thread:)) Huge thanks!
It is incredible to have all this support and REALLY helps me continuously!
I will tell W on Wednesday when I see her again.

As mentioned we are not in a COMPLETE lockdown. Thanks ovr
Some restrictions apply though. So, for instance daycare IS open so D2 meets her best friend all the time anyway (= no added risk). However I don't meet my sister and her family every week atm so I will probably schedule something separate with them. Naturally if someone is sick within a family then none of them can come.

Update/Journal:
Personally I have been feeling pretty good and stable. Most downs are WAY less severe as 2-3 weeks back and cant even compare to 2-3 months back.

Since it was W's weekend with the kids we did talk a few times. Mostly short and about kids but some things are maybe worth noting or remembering for later.
She asked quite a lot about what I had been up to since I wasnt home most of the time.
Basically just told her the truth but with not so much details.

Saturday night before bed she also was wondering where I had spent friday night (slept at a friends place since I was going to help him with some DIY)
She asked what my family thinks?They know whats going on but not everything.
First I didnt answer because I got a bit angry.
Eventually (she asked repeatedly) I said:
I dont know what they are thinking, but I think they are mostly wondering. They dont understand and wonder what happend?
My brother and partly also sister are furious and I was very close to telling her that, but didnt.


This morning:
I had to go with them in the car when she was taking them to daycare because I needed the car to do some grocery shopping. After she sat in the car for a while waiting for her bus. Apparently the kids got real sad when she was leaving them.
We ere mostly quiet but then she skipped the first bus (they leave every 5-10 min for the city where I dropped her off)
I realized she was feeling low and saw her in the mirror and just suddenly said she was beautiful.
I know, wrong. But I just felt it and flt she needed to hear it... Lame and stupid in hindsight after everything shes put me through... However I want to point out I didnt say it in a needy way.
Anyway this convo followed:
W - Thank you! How are you? (She was close to crying)
Me - Mostly good but it's up and down. Kills me that kids are feeling it.
Silence.
Me - Do you have something you want to say?
W - No. Or we'll. A lot...
Me - I have a few minutes.
W - I guess life isnt as black and white as I thought.
Me - No life is mostly in the grey area. (Smiling. She laughed a bit.)
Silence.
Me - Either you get out of the car or we go sit down somewhere.
Silence
W - What are you thinking about?
Me - I can listen but will have a hard time talking when you have that bag next to you. (her "luggage" for living at OM's place)
W - Mmm..
Slience
W - I guess I will go.
Me - Ok.

We said goodbye and I didnt get out of the car. Just drove away.
She keeps wanting to open up in some way. Not sure what it is though.
Might just be that she needs a shoulder to lean/cry on since shes feeling bad.
IF I knew thats what it was I wouldn't allow it.
Thoughts what was said?

[LH19]

M,

This is the second time you have sort of got yourself into a relationship talk. If you want to do it then just do it and get it over with for closure. She probably feels some guilt for breaking up a 6 month marriage. Just be prepared that it’s most likely going to be all the things you did wrong.

[ovrrnbw]

I would have either not told her what I did and remained mysterious or flat out lied and said you went out with some friends. She is sniffing around a little bit and that is good.

You saying that you were just at your brother's place makes you sound like a solid plan b when she should be wondering what you're up to and who you are out with. The only time I would say I was at my brother's place is if I knew she wouldn't believe it in order to make her wonder.

Don't pry, she'll speak when and if she is ready. I know you want this big talk where she jumps back into your arms but you won't be the one to initiate that.

Making a comment on her bag is not detachment either. Detachment is so vital to this. It's hard to see why but you need to read and absorb that part.

[ovrrnbw]

I would have either not told her what I did and remained mysterious or flat out lied and said you went out with some friends. She is sniffing around a little bit and that is good.

You saying that you were just at your brother's place makes you sound like a solid plan b when she should be wondering what you're up to and who you are out with. The only time I would say I was at my brother's place is if I knew she wouldn't believe it in order to make her wonder.

Don't pry, she'll speak when and if she is ready. I know you want this big talk where she jumps back into your arms but you won't be the one to initiate that.

Making a comment on her bag is not detachment either. Detachment is so vital to this. It's hard to see why but you need to read and absorb that part.