H's birthday. The peonies always start blooming this week, and they are right on schedule, so many bees tending to the layers and layers of petals. H made cookies last night and shared them with me. He's been in a good mood this weekend, which shows again I can't predict his moods and shouldn't try! I'm a little sad today, wishing I could say or do more than just the "Happy Birthday!" greeting I gave him when he woke up. Can someone remind me why it makes sense not to tell him how I feel? I'm not on the verge of doing it or anything, and I know the pandemic is contributing to this, because the message everywhere is talk to people you love. Well, I am talking to him, I guess, just not about feelings, and I am thankful for the small moments we sometimes can still share.
I do find it weird, still, that he kept every little note I wrote him after BD. They remain in his room where he stashed them on the other side of the messy desk. You can see them when you walk in. Compartmentalization. Anyway, I look back at the first several months when I was in IC and really working to change some of my unhelpful behaviors (defensiveness, not apologizing, etc), and it's clear that I was making an effort to turn things around while not having R talks or while trying not to apply pressure. So I sometimes wonder if he thinks things played out like he expected--I was only interested in saving the M because he said he wanted a D, and I may have been motivated at first, but now I don't care, and it's clear (in his mind) that I didn't really love him, just like he thought.
Now, I know I can't change his mind or his logic. I know this is his journey. More than ever, I feel like I'm observing most of the time. One thing that gives me some peace is that I'm not interfering, or trying not to as best I can--I think back to the advice you all gave when I was asking why he wasn't moving out. I want him to make every decision, be responsible for each step in this process, wherever it goes.
So why do I still find myself at times conflicted about his only seeing the outward, carefree me that I project? Does he think all of this hasn't hurt me? Could he think he didn't mean that much to me after all?
I feel like these are newbie questions! Make him think you've moved on, etc. etc. If it doesn't matter what I do, because he's on his path (and I don't want to influence). In the last several months I've given up (maybe it's better to say I've started to let go of) the need to save this, because I am ready to work and have a different M, but I can't do that without H on board. It's out of my hands at this point.
How do you find the balance between staying true to who you are and how you love, and DB? Isn't that the question people ask over and over? Shouldn't I have learned the answer to that by now? It is love, I suppose, to recognize that he is living his own life and right now that doesn't include M to me, whether he understands it as love or not.
Happy Birthday, H. I do love you. I do miss you. I never tell you these things. Some days I do find myself feeling anger and disbelief, but I am trying my best to act with kindness and compassion instead.
