Scout, you're such an inspiration. Honestly. you are one of the strongest people I think I've ever known (not that I know you but I feel like I do.)
The way you put S2 first-- like being able to (IN THE MOMENT!!) tamp down the 110% natural feelings about S2 mentioning the OW and being positive and even-keeled about it for him... that is such the right thing to do and yet I feel like many of us when confronted with that same situation would not have risen to it like you did. I don't know that I would have. You're such a bada$$. I wanna be you when I grow up.
Have you figured out your S2 and the bed yet? If not, you might try a toddler sized sleep sack. Worked wonders for mine since they can't pull their legs apart enough to climb out.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks May, that’s a big compliment. I still struggle, of course. My primary emotion is still anger but it doesn’t pop up often. Whenever my mind starts following those well-worn emotional paths, I ask myself “Really? We’re gonna go there again? Yeah, yeah, that happened, we know it [censored]. Let’s not waste our time, brain.” It seems to break the loop. My brain is stupid sometimes.
S2 has been in his big boy bed for a couple of weeks now - the mattress is on the floor and it’s working well. He’s also taken to potty training like a champ. My baby isn’t a baby anymore! Every day he amazes me with how much he learns and understands. I bought him a dollhouse as part of his big boy room and it’s fascinating to watch him play. He mimics me when he talks to his dolls, telling them to sit on the toilet and not wee on the floor etc. It makes me smile!
My financial settlement is booked for the first week of May. After that, divorce will just be ticking some boxes on a form in June. Then I’ll be separated from XH in every possible way except by S2. It’s a happy thought, not tinged by sadness or regret at all. I’m proud of my journey over the last 11 months. By the sounds of things, XH is still stuck in a fixed mindset, blaming me for everything, and unable or unwilling to look at himself. I hope he does one day, for S2’s sake.
The reason I say XH is still stuck? A mutual friend, T, recently told me XH had reached out to ask why he’d been removed from our friendship group a couple of months ago. T thought it was ironic it had taken XH this long to notice and said it spoke volumes as to the quality of the friendship. This was T’s message to me.
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I essentially said why we decided to distance ourselves. Obviously he got a bit upset and asked why we didn’t let him know and communicate to him. I said a whole bunch of us did and it was obvious he didn’t want to open up and be honest with us. I told him not opening up wasn’t the reason we decided to distance ourselves and that it was his behaviour and decisions. He didn’t know what he had done wrong and tried blaming you for spreading lies. I said I don’t believe that’s the case and that there’s no reason for you to do that. He then tried to spin it that he was going through a rough time and yeah he could’ve done things better but would like to catch up with everyone to try to get everything out in the open. I didn’t reply after that and left it there. Most of us feel that he is just trying to save face and now reunite because it’s convenient for him or he has finally realised the consequences of this fallout. Its like he has only now just noticed that everything he has done has jeopardised his friendships too, and now wants to try and save face when it’s convenient for him. Where was he the past year when we wanted to be there for him?
My psychologist would tell me this is textbook narcissism. An inability to self-reflect or empathise. Certainly in other threads I read here and on the newcomer board, the runaway spouse is at least aware of their actions and how they have hurt other people. Not all, but some. I don’t really see that happening in my case. It makes me fear for S2 and how he’ll be affected by the relationship with his dad as he grows up.
It’s 6:30am and XH just brought OW to my house when he came to pick up S2.
My zen has been ruffled by this. My house is my safe space. She actually wound down the window and watched while I said goodbye to S2 at the front door.
There is absolutely no reason for her to be there either than to get a rise of me. We are in lockdown. They would just be driving straight home again so she could have simply waited there until he brought S2 back. Stay in bed, girl!
I know he’s doing this because of the conversation with our mutual friend the other day. It’s spite. It’s also triangulation - involving a third party in their relationship to keep the drama alive. Things must be getting boring now that they live together.
I chose not to react at all but hooooo boy. Excuse me while I scream into the void here.
S2 spent the day with XH today. OW was in the car again at dropoff.
This time, S2 yelled excitedly “Look Mama, there’s OW!” the second I opened the front door. Christ Almighty, give me some warning before testing my fortitude.
I did not look at the car. I just said calmly “that’s cool, let’s go inside”. S2 smelled like another woman’s perfume when I gave him a cuddle.
I’m having trouble with this. Specifically, her coming to my house. I’ve accepted her spending time with S2 when he’s with his dad. That’s not the problem. Does anyone have advice or encouragement?
Look, I can’t really demonise OW. She stinks, figuratively and literally, but she’s not the problem.
XH either knew this would hurt me and doesn’t care, or doesn’t know why this would hurt me.
Or most likely, didn’t think of me at all. Why was I so easy to discard and replace?
On deeper examination, hurt isn’t the right description of how I feel. It makes me feel uneasy. Unsafe. Exposed. Embarrassed. Invisible. Insecure.
I understand the answer will be ‘do nothing because there’s nothing you can do about it’. So in the absence of any possible action, I suppose I’m just looking for validation and empathy.
I’ve booked an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow to talk it through and get some perspective.
IMHO, you are handing this entire thing with an extreme amount of grace and class. I am so, so impressed with how strong you are and what a great mom you are.
Of COURSE it is hurtful and crazy-making to have her along in the car on exchanges, especially the day when he came at the crack of dawn just to go back home. In my sitch I spent some time thinking about this or a similar scenario, my children spending time with AP, and it was the one thing that completely made me lose my cool. I felt like my vision was literally being obscured, like this curtain of red rage was coming over me and making it impossible for me to think straight or breathe or even see. So you smiling, calm, being the sane decent human being and mom to S2 in this situation feels like superhuman strength to me.
And... I believe he is doing it SPECIFICALLY to make you feel badly. He is a narcissistic a-hole and is doing everything in his power to try to have an effect on you, your feelings, your behavior. He was used to being able to dictate your moods and feelings with his own and he is lashing out in every way he possibly can to feel he has power again over you. (And it says a lot about her that she is either mean or dumb enough to go along with him on this... I mean, think if the situations were reversed, and you happened to be dating someone who was in the middle of a D with a 2 year old child. I feel like I would completely remove myself from any interactions with the child at all until way down the line, let the dad have the time to bond alone with his child, and FFS NOT insert myself into the exchanges with the mom!!! What is wrong with these people??? Never mind, I know the answer.)
Anyway... I know you know this, but the only way to deal with him is to not. Don't let him see you flinch. Don't give him that power. Know that your reactions are normal and show that you are a human being with normal feelings, and it is OK to have all those feelings. And naming them and feeling them will help you to let them go.
S2 is YOUR son. And you are a great mom. Do everything you can to let what doesn't serve you go, embrace the zen, and focus fully on the time you get with S2.
Hang in there. You've got this.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
