Hey Cardinal ~ had a bit of a slump towards the end of this week. His anxiousness to go makes me so nervous in this current global situation. He’s already taken from me my closest love, my companion, my best friend, he’s severely dented my self confidence, my health both mental and physical and now he’s threatening our financial situation as well as (our) my home and roof over my head. I am getting stronger and regaining control over myself every day, but it all still hurts. These feelings definitely come and go For me too.
I find myself at a loss for things to say when it comes to the total destruction in really 5 short months: Me and my family dropped, EA, possible PA, Reinventing history, excessive exercise, motorcycle purchase, change in clothes style, excessive money spent, excessive drinking, tattoo, lies, drug use = I KNOW I’M NOT CRAZY. I hate how I have to go over these facts though to remind myself that I’m not exaggerating or imagining things.
Journal ~ YOWZERS!! Something has changed. He is not only down the rabbit hole again, but seems to be angry and/brooding. I heard him on the phone with L yesterday so I assume he got some information he wasn’t counting on about the business. I’m not too sure what to expect once this starts to become a financial reality for him? I know there’s nothing I can do but let it play out but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared. I don’t know who he is when he’s like this.
I also don’t know if there’s a way I can make him see that making these big changes in the middle of a pandemic and economic downturn is not only irresponsible but unfair. Anything I do or say will come across as holding him back. Am I really stuck here letting this play out ....? Anyone got any strong advice for slowing a runaway train down? It’s not even about him and I and our relationship at this point it’s about living and not adding even more stress to an awfully stressful situation.
