Re assumptions and reconsidering them-- I agree with you. I'm not sure, though, that going into the A H was truly reconsidering the idea of M/monogamy and whether it was still the right choice for him. I think he was depressed, starved for affection and validation in a lot of areas, and found this young woman who wanted and needed him, wanted his advice, thought he was so great, etc etc. And without saying anything to me, he decided that because I wasn't interested in sex with him, I therefore no longer loved him, and he should see what it was like to pursue this R with the AP. He told me later he was almost testing himself by opening up the opportunity with the AP, and the fact that he was attracted to her meant that he must no longer be in love with me. And he deserved love, blah blah blah.
After he got himself involved in the A, he tried to post-hoc justify it by saying maybe M was an outdated social construct, that millennials don't believe in M, etc.-- not as a thoughtful reevaluation of himself but as an excuse to justify his own behavior. I know he did spend some time with his IC trying to figure out if he was non-monogamous or would be a serial cheater and they decided no, he was a monogamist at heart (having switched his romantic affections from me to the AP). I think the thing he was unable to really figure out (and one of the reasons he ended up staying) was how to reconcile the "best friend" relationship with me and how that fit into everything. Once it became clear to him that he would lose that with me if he continued to pursue the A, that was one of his big deciding factors in ending the A.
The thing I think is so strange is that the best friends/partners relationship is such a big part of the idea of a marriage and monogamy, to me. That there is this one person who you can totally be yourself with, who gets you, who is your teammate in this giant crazy world, and the "in love" part is just a tiny piece of that. Maybe I would feel differently if I had my own A and got to experience that "in love" feeling all over again. And we both have friends (me more than him, TBH... I actually think this was also part of the problem for him, maybe a problem for men more generally) that we can be honest with and have meaningful and interesting conversations with, that help us through the hard times. Yet he is the person who has seen me at my absolute worst and still shows up for me every day (or did... and still does... this is the hard part for me right now, reconciling all of this). I know that even with my very best friends I'm still not going to totally lay it all out there like I do with him.
I am definitely re-evaluating some of my own assumptions about myself, for the better, I think. The realization that I could be a mom AND have a sex drive was a big one. Also, that I'm not perfect, I have areas I want to work on for myself, that I haven't treated my H the way I would want to be treated. Those were biggies for me, being able to take responsibility for my side of the damage to our R.
Anyway, thanks for the post... still thinking about it. Made pasta, sourdough bread, and chocolate truffles this week!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
