My W was texting me yesterday that she was confused about my position. She does this frequently - "I'm so confused." My L sent her a partial settlement offer the week before that made my position very clear. I was frustrated with the pace of mediation and the topics of focus, so I felt like presenting an offer that, if accepted, would allow us to continue to mediate the remaining items.
She acted as if I had made a "take it or leave it" offer and there was no room for her to respond. She acted as if making an offer outside of mediation was a transgression. The mediator seems upset. My position is that I am trying to resolve issues. My offer was more than fair, and she could have responded with a counter.
This has a bit of a gaslighting feel to it. I recognize the pattern that she refuses to see her role in the problem. Accusing me of involving lawyers, making this expensive, not having the kids' best interest in mind. I realize now she has rarely (I would say "never" but I try to avoid absolutes) been a person to own up to her role in relationship conflict, whether with me, her family, her friends, my family. If you asked about her role in our MR failure, I suspect she would say "I'm sorry that I agreed to move 3 years ago" or "I'm sorry I didn't push UC to get help earlier".
I ended up having a (very careful) text exchange yesterday to make my position clear. She said I "didn't let her" write a written offer (WTH, did I withhold a pencil?) -- to be clear, she had offered some plan where we revisit custody in a year (or at least that's what it sounded like to me) at which point I said "no". But I stated on the text exchange that she is welcome to make any offer.
Why am I bothering to do this? Well, I don't want her "confusion" to lead us down the road of spending 6 figures in court, provided we can avoid that with some simple negotiations. She now states that 50-50 is her long-term goal as well (I'm sure there will be contingencies if she offers this, but we will see). I have to keep in mind that 6 months ago she asked if I would let her move away with the kids -- I know how she views the importance of my role in our childrens' lives. Whether I get it or not, she does not view 50-50 as best for the kids.
I can't share more. Other things are going on and I'm comfortable with my L's strategy. I just felt like it was worth making it clear that my W can make an offer at any time and we can move things through. Mediation is not working because there is little respect for my needs (as I see it). Trying to navigate this minefield without driving myself crazy problem-solving. We'll get there soon enough, even if we spend down our futures to get there.
