Hi IronWill Thanks for saying hi. I hope you are staying well, and taking care of yourself.
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Journaling (because I'm procrastinating)
This Friday I will have completed my really tough programming class. I'm in countdown mode when I should be putting some work in. I have a lot left to do! I haven't passed yet - but I think I'll get a "C" and finally call this class DONE. Whew!
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The best thing about my days lately has been my long walks. I get a lot of thinking done when I'm on them, and realize how much more active my mind is when I'm out exploring.
One thing I've been grappling with is the renewed sense of grief over XW. Some of the specifics and strong memories have revisited recently, and I couldn't figure out why. And then I'm stuck wondering, "Am I not over her? I thought I was getting over her? What are my feelings? Am I angry, or accepting? Why am I having these memories of our split? What does THAT mean?"
I realized yesterday I may have stumbled up on one of the answers.
The pandemic is a revisit to what was happening emotionally to me when W left. A year and a half ago she left me, and I was in the house alone, trying to keep myself together, learning what it mean to be alone but still adjust to a new normal while grieving what we had.
Guess what we're all doing right now?
We're in a situation where all the people in our lives we can't see, so they feel like they've left. We are all alone (or with immediate fam only), learning what it means to be in this new form of "alone" while grieving what we had.
It's the same process, and it now seems so obvious why I was likely having flashbacks. My emotional state is similar.
I've procrastinated enough today Back to the awful programming assignment. If I can just focus I'll get through this...too bad there's no focus to be found here.
Thanks for saying hi. I hope you are staying well, and taking care of yourself. 
