It will only be nice if you are healed and healthy. Do that first. Then a couple years from now you’ll make healthier choices if you do want a man.
I have a friend who attends SLAA meetings (12 step meetings for sex and love addiction). Her problem isn’t with the sex side of it, but the love side. She’s slow to get involved but once she’s attached to someone she has a terrible time with fantasizing about them, and if the relationship breaks up, it takes her forever to let go.
She would keep repeating patterns from her childhood. Her mother died when she was 6 or 7 and her father promptly married a much younger woman. She had been the apple of her father’s eye, the focus of his sole attention, then suddenly he was in this enmeshed relationship and the kids were pretty emotionally neglected.
As an adult, she has re-enacted that drama twice by falling in love with men who were married. The first was supposedly in an “open” marriage (in retrospect she realizes his wife was just trying to keep him by accommodating him) and eventually he left his wife and married my friend. On a primitive level it was like she “won” her dad back from the stepmom. Years later, when her husband was in a nursing home with early onset dementia from a brain injury (he died there eventually) she started a fling with a semi-famous guy she knew. He minimized his relationship with another woman - only later did she realize that girlfriend was a 20-year serious relationship that was a marriage in everything but name. It stirred up her same childhood triangle issues but this time she was more aware and eventually broke it off. But it took her about a year and a half to stop fantasizing about him and continual effort to not contact him.
Maybe it’s a group that could be helpful to you. Everybody has online meetings these days.
