A typical Cliche

[SteveLW]

Thanks everyone for your words. I can tell I must be even more messed up then I realize with all the tough love I'm getting. Its ok though, I appreciate the support and probably need to be knocked down a peg or 2. Its very hard to think of my relationship as dead but honestly I've been trying to fully convince myself of that all month. I know there isn't a scenario where everything just goes back to how it was. That wouldn't be fair to either of us anyway. I'm really trying to put in the work to get myself over this first hump. I know it will probably take awhile though. This week my wife has been coming home a lot less. I'm sure shes probably trying to avoid my awkwardness and badgering. I tried very hard not bring anything up that would be damaging yesterday. Towards the end of the night there was one subject that I felt was not going to be good but was business I thought needed to be said. She didn't really respond to me since it was late.

Basically with May quickly approaching now mothers day will be here in a few weeks. Luckily it looks like the virus will allow us to skip the bombshell it was original going to be. As I mentioned before right before the BD we celebrated my mothers birthday. At the party my mother told us all the only thing she wanted for mothers day were new family portraits. We hadn't done any in a long time and she wanted new ones for her freshly remolded living room that included her new daughter. At the time I really appreciated the sentiment. My wife has always loved my family more then her own due to them treating her more like family then her's ever did. At the same time my wife had alot of fears about not being invited to things more often with my mother one and one and thought regularly that she wasn't liked as much. I always told her that wasn't the case she just needed to put herself out there more. I didn't speak to mother about this and that was completely her decision to say that she wanted a portrait with all her kids my wife included. So at the least the big thing is avoided until the social distance ends. But I still need to buy a gift now and figure out if my wife will be coming to deliver it with me. Same goes for her mother. We still haven't told them so in there minds we should be there as normal. At this moment I'm just trying to avoid thinking about about our anniversary on the 18th. I guess its technically isn't a thing anymore but I know it will hurt and I'm not sure if I should at least do something, buy dinner or at least give a generic card.

I could really use some advice on how we should proceed with certain things. Obviously my wife is living with me and wants to. The bedroom thing is obviously a problem that has to be dealt with. But is that considered to be the right choice or is it just a personal decision to live together versus leave or ask them too. Alot of these rules talk about no contact or distancing and I'm just not sure how that works when you see each other every day. More or less continue living the same life as before short of any of intimacy or couple habits. I also fear being completely friend zoned which my wife keeps repeating over and over again she wants to stay friends. Did most of you inform your families of separation? We already more or less had separate finances. There are a couple things that could be changed such as the car payment for our new family car I bought this year. She drives it but technically its only in my name and was my decision to buy it to replace my old pickup. Things that we put aside for savings on the house or vacations together technically doesn't need to be split anymore as those were couple things. I have no access to her stuff anymore obviously with the nature of the break up but she still has full access to mine. Should I change that?

Joesph - Yeah I can definitely tell that this program isn't really about stopping a divorce and neither is any other program I have seen. The true point is about learning to like yourself and recognize and fix the parts of you that are damaging. Saving a marriage is the possible byproduct of that goal but the not the actual goal at the end of day. In fact it seems pretty clear that the consensus is that unless you reach a point where you can live without the R then you'll never really make it to a point in the program where your spouse might come back. I have also been reading a lot of situation especially where people ended up reconciling. Helps give me some hope to push away the bleakness I feel. Although I dont think I have found a single success story yet of someone like me. Most of them appear to be who have a lot more years in and kids to give them a common ground to interact especially after physical separation.

First off, even though there are similarities, every situation is different. There have been marriages that were reconciled with no kids involved. Or that were relatively new marriages. And there have been marriages with kids and a long history that ended in D. There was one particular heart-wrenching story of a longtime married coupled with adult children that on Thanksgiving she announced during dinner she was done and was leaving, and had her affair partner pick her up from the house and left that night. So every situation is unique, even if most of the things a WAS does is similar.

However, where I see you struggling right now is a very common thing for LBS. It is called the illusion of action. You think you have to be doing something, anything, to improve your situation. But here's the thing, you can't do anything to do that. You say that in your own words above, but then you go on about needing to do this and that.

Remember, doing nothing IS doing something. And the best thing you can do right now IS nothing. You talk about sharing a bedroom. Do you know how many LBSs here would kill to still be sharing a bedroom with their WAS? We see this a lot. Those that are in in-house separation think it would be easier to detach if their LBS would move out. And those that are physically separated think it would be easier to show their improvements if they were still living together. The fact is that these situations are tough, no matter what they are. You want to end your pain and you think doing something will help that. It won't. Many LBSs have pushing their spouse to leave, or to make some change, and they regretted it and wished they had left things alone.

Here's the thing with the bedroom. Unless she is actively in a physical affair, then letting her stay in the bedroom is fine. In my situation neither I nor my WAW (who was also a Wayward Wife) ever left the bedroom.

So take a deep breath, step back, and just take some time. You are worrying about things in the future. By Mother's Day your situation might be a lot different than it is now. So planning for it would be a waste of time right now.

So work on staying busy. Keep working on your self-improvements. Your idea for finding IC was a great idea. And study what detachment and work on it. Nothing turning my situation around like being detached and not reacting emotionally to my W's words and actions. She expected me to react like I always had. With anger, being upset, stonewalling, etc. When I didn't, when I was unaffected by what she said and did, and when I was still happy, upbeat, pleased, fulfilled and going about my own activities, she started seeing me differently. Work on it, you will be amazed by the impact it can have.