WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear

[Core]

I'm back to fear over the situation here. Overall just journaling here though any feedback or 2x4s are appreciated.

My W stating she would go to IC gave me hope. What gave me fear is the counselor she has chosen. The counselor is at the same practice as mine and they work closely together. Neither being a marriage counselor. Why W would choose a connection to mine worries me and my counselor himself said that we need to be careful and that they would only take in my W if I agree after we all meet and thoroughly discuss the possibility. This makes me think the counselor sees a r3d flag.

I see many myself after our recent chats. BPD and NPD traits left and right. "You broke me", "youll NEVER change", "I dont know how I feel"', the guilt relieving apology, her taking action only when I try to leave. Its truly seems like a I hate you dont leave me state she is in.

I think I did break her. My anxiety got bad and I lost focus on her. If it is BPD, people with the illness usually are most healed at her age. If I can break her at her best, imagine when BPD worsens again in the 50s and beyond. Add in a lifetime of not being treated and well, I see no hope.

I think I have to end this for everyone. Marriages put a strain on BPDs and they can become better alone. A semi healed ex would be better for the kids than a broken fake marriage. Im not strong enough yet to do this for them however. Ive my own issues and I dont want to possibly make the wrong call. Me or my IC cant diagnose W, unless shes in counseling. It may be something else. When I talked to my counselor a few days ago, they told me they never seen a person take so long to decide on the state of their marriage. My counselor is prob about 55 so theyve had experience.

Normally as a spouse gets better, the other spouse follows. Well my W has done nothing. I checked our router usage, she's looked up no counselors or self help whatsoever. None, even after we had mediation scheduled.

So many lies, do I believe anything? Did she ever love me? Did she manipulate me and pretend all was ok to have our 2nd child?

W says I was never there for her at the tough times. She was rarely there for mine...seems like projecting. W says I look down on people and think Im better...myself, counselor and best friend call me humble and sometimes insecure...seems like projecting.

My outlook here is sh$t and sh$t. I can end my family, dreams and create trauma which could cause D and S to become BPD themselves later in life or I can continue forward in a relationship where I may never truly be loved and always walk on eggshells or we go to counseling, fix this temporarily and just end up back here down the road. My W is right to end it I think. Ive never seen her self improve, not one book, seminar, nothing besides marriage counseling years ago which was her trying to change me.

What do I do? All the futures are horrifying. I can make the best of any outcome but I dont know which option is best for all. These kids are incredible and Ill take a proverbial bullet if need be, but which choice? I also reread all this and have to wonder if Im projecting. What if Ive fooled my own counselor and Im truly BPD or other cluster B.