So I’m going to start giving a background story without disclosing too much information.
Married for 20 years with kiddos.
Had various episodes of EA from him throughout the years and I threw a fit but we never really addressed it, never did counseling.
History between us would be fighting about whatever various issue, him threatening divorce, but then making up a few days later and we would cycle up and down like that. We didn’t really fight often, maybe once or twice a year of an actual fight and it was because I avoided or dismissed things to avoid fighting. (This is something I’m taking responsibility for with my therapist, I should have spoken up and addressed things)
He becomes unhappy at his job within the last year or so and silent treatment punishment becomes a new tool that he uses if there was any disagreement between us. And sleeping in a separate room was also a new punishment tool that he introduced. But then a few days later everything was okay and we moved on.
Some time last year during one of the extended punishments he used a free legal resource to figure out his options. I found out after things were back to “normal” and I was really angry/upset because I felt like that was a betrayal. I’ve put up with the EA and some other bad behaviors over the years (I’m being discreet to protect myself right now) and I stayed with him through it and I never crossed those lines and I’m not perfect and have some things to work on but I felt betrayed that he would consider leaving me when I stayed with him when he hurt me several times.
At the end of 2019 he was angry with me because I was hurt and angry that he chose his friends over me again and I had an attitude with him about it (sorry I would love to blab our details but I’m trying so hard to keep this discreet) This has been a reoccurring issue between the EA and also with friendships where he takes care of others over me. I always feel second place.
He silent treatment’d me for several weeks and finally I had enough and confronted him and he BD. He said the only way he would stick around is if I changed myself. I got an IC and started and he came back around because he said that he thought I was really trying.
He joined therapy (therapist does ind and group) and we hadn’t really dived into any deep issues but we were working on better communication and things were going really well.
Soft BD occurred 4 weeks ago after he chose to prioritize another person going through a bad situation . . this friendship already has some flavors of EA showing, and I was really tolerant of his support of friend until I started feeling like the friend was 1st and I was 2nd. Therapist even told him that I was a saint for allowing the support to occur in the way it did and she felt bad for the friend (as do I) but therapist said she wouldn’t have allowed what I allowed. She told him I had every right to feel the way I did. H does not like hearing any of this and eventually it comes out that I have an issue with the direction the support was headed because I don’t trust H from past circumstances. A few days of more silent treatment punishment and then he announced during a group session that he was leaving. He angrily rejected the letter I wrote him telling him I was sorry for how I hurt him and that I was working to fix those things for myself and I loved him. (Therapist said we are equal in behaviors to work on, he has a lot he needs to fix too—he just didn’t want to focus on that, he wanted to blame me and I took it because I was willing to put the work in for us and I wanted him to get it off his chest so we could try to fix. I was trying to be the one to step forward and change first instead of expecting him to do it.)
He left the next two weeks and I heard very little from him. Therapist said this would be a good time to take a break and work individually and move back to group sessions later. At two week time we had a group session and both therapist and I said we felt very hopeful because H really opened up.
The next two weeks I noticed a distinct cold shouldering. Any text messages were either replied very short or not at all. This week he texted me and said he wanted to separate the finances and wanted D.
So I apologize that I left so many details out, it’s missing all the juicy bits but I’ll try to share what I can. I have to make some technology changes before I feel more comfortable opening up.
Therapist said we are 50/50 need to work on things but said they felt very hopeful and felt they weren’t anything that we couldn’t solve. I agreed with that, there were things to improve on both sides and really embraced taking responsibility for myself, something new for me. I’ve been working hard with therapist and she has said that I’m doing a wonderful job working and learning about myself and practicing better behaviors.
Therapist was really disappointed when I texted and told about the BD. He hasn’t discussed that decision with therapist during individual sessions. Therapist says he has shut himself down so far and isn’t willing to work at this time so I needed to prepare myself to the reality of D.
H wants to fight, the text message where he BD he kept trying to make accusations and insinuate things and I kept saying I don’t want to fight, none of this is necessary. This is not the normal ElevenDiamonds, normal behavior is to get sucked right down with the tit for tat type fighting. So maybe he is trying to provoke me so he can feel validated. I don’t understand where the anger is coming from. But I genuinely don’t want to fight. Therapy really is working for me, it’s opened up my eyes and although I have more work to do I feel good about the progress I’ve made.
I don’t know for sure if there is some MLC playing into this, the symptoms are there (hating job, age time frame, looking at new car, joining gym, etc) but from what I’m reading MLCs waffle back and forth on what they want. He has not wavered except to say he missed me during the two week group session. Otherwise it’s been cold, distant, and resolute that he is done and wants it done ASAP. Maybe he is just simply WAS. He did walk away, dumped every responsibility on me. I’m taking care of everything on my own now (not that I didn’t take care of the majority of it before it’s now new added responsibilities to deal with as well)
I don’t know who this person is. I understand that he was trying to tell me he was unhappy in the past and I had my head in the sand so I actually have empathy for him in that regard for why he might not trust that real change can be made. And I like I said, I don’t know if MLC exactly applies but I do feel he is drowning in an emotional whirlpool and I think he is scared to actually deal with it so he is running away and trying to rip the band aid off. I think he pushed suddenly for D because it’s easier than having to face the pain and also having to face the responsibility he shared in how we got here. H’s friend did the same thing, it was easier to deal with the guilt of ending it than it was to face the mirror. I’m disappointed because I thought H was better than that.
If I were a friend reading my situation I would tell ElevenDiamonds to move on because she doesn’t deserve someone who won’t take responsibility for his mistakes and shut down over actually trying to grow past it. And the treatment I am getting now, I’m shocked. Who is this person? I never would have guessed that he would be this person that is disappointing me with the way he is treating me and treating kiddos. He hasn’t completely bailed on them but I would say it’s about 20 percent of the involvement now. Tries to use oldest one to take care of his responsibilities (which I end up doing because I’m not going to have my kid have to step in and be the role of an adult because his father decided to bail.)
Also H tries to handle communication to me through the oldest and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that because I did not want kiddos feeling they were in the middle of things. He was doing that to avoid having to talk to me about stuff he wanted or needed done.
The logical side of me realizes that I don’t deserve this treatment and that he doesn’t deserve how hard I have been working with therapist to make changes for myself. But damn, the heart gets in the way. I still very much love the person that now only seems to exist in my head. I feel physical tension in my body from my mind constantly looking for a relief from the pain. I’m at the stage where if he came back today I would take him back even though I know he doesn’t deserve it and I deserve better but the relief from the pain would override that logic for me right now. So maybe it is a hidden blessing for me that he is so cold and done right now.
And I believe that people can change if their hearts are truly in it. And if he truly put the work into work past his issues I would take him back, I still love him and he has been the only one. My friends can’t understand who this person is right now because it’s just so unlike him to be cruel and petty. I’m coming to terms that the relationship we had is done. I have hope in my heart that he will realize he is making a mistake (because I genuinely believe he will at some point) and be willing to make the changes he needs and we can have a new relationship. But even if that is not a chance, we share children and I would at least wish to have an easy coparenting relationship and he isn’t doing a good job handling that right now. With the parenting mistakes he is making right now, I know he knows better, but I don’t think he can get out of his own way to see that he is making the mistakes.
I’m worried that he is so caught up in this emotional whirlpool that he is going to try to make things as bad as possible for me. I feel he is broadcasting on me because he can’t deal with himself right now. I can’t trust him anymore not to try to hurt me or screw me over and I told my friend I won’t be surprised if he shows up with papers and announcing he is moving away. I could see him doing something that drastic just to try to escape his emotional pain right now. I won’t be surprised if he quits with therapist too.
Strangely I don’t have anger right now. I have nauseating anxiety and I would do anything to have him come hug me and tell me he wanted to try (ugh that is annoying because I know I am worth more than that right now but I crave the relief from that) and am hurt by his behavior but not angry. I’ve read that there will be stages so I now it might come later.
This [censored]. And I know I just have to work through the pain and I know I will be fine at the end of where ever this goes but it’s a miserable place to be for sure.
I’m working closely with therapist right now about GAL, setting goals for myself, working on gratitude journal, practicing self care, etc. Therapist is really proud of me right now and said that my hope Is admirable but that I need to be realistic about D and prepare myself to protect myself. Keep in mind therapist is also H’s therapist so that probably points to a not so good future.
The thing I like about DB is that really I think it’s more of a guide book for taking care of yourself during D process. It WAS comes back then that is amazing but if not then LBS still did the work to take care if themselves. I feel like that is the only way I can survive this to not let myself get sucked down into his hole. Just because he is being an awful person right now doesn’t mean I have to meet him at his level. Just because he doesn’t want to face the mirror and fix his issues doesn’t mean that I can’t do that. And you know what, if that day comes and my heart closes because I’ve had enough then working on myself now will help me for the future Mr.ElevenDiamonds.
My heart goes out to all the LBS here. There is so much wonderful kind advice on here and I think it’s because everyone understands how brutally raw the pain is. I know the pain is something to grow from but boy it feels like right now it’s the end of the world for me (I know I know, you don’t have to tell me! I know I will get through this!)
