Hello all, I’ve been reading for about a week and finally am moving toward my own posting. Just knowing there are people going through the same pain as me right now dealing with these strangers we are married too has provided some comfort. I feel so bad reading through these posts because I feel the same pain myself and it makes my heart hurt that someone else is being drug through the mud the same way. So I’m posting here for my own comfort and because I want to reach out to help provide for others. I’m going to have to be very cautious for now about sharing details because I’m at a disadvantage of covering my tracks from WAS.
I’m working on reading DB and all the wonderful information being shared in the forum and you know what I love? That whether or not the marriage sorts out the LBS is guided toward making themselves better. My WAS doesn’t deserve the mental and emotional energy I’ve spent this last month when he walked away. So I’m writing down all these helpful tidbits of information to rewrite my brain.
Writing in my gratitude app each morning, setting goals for myself, planning ahead on expecting his bad behavior because it’s easier to handle if I know it’s coming.
Now with all that said, I’m still in the beginning stages and the frantic posting I see from others, boy do I feel you! I think over and over, “maybe if I just pleaded to him he would open his eyes and turn into the man I love?” No he hasn’t turned into that man over the last month, it’s been radio silence for the most part. So I’m entering NC phase now and I genuinely believe that if nothing else, if it doesn’t make him wake up and realize that he is destroying our family (over things that can be fixed) then by entering NC I’m protecting myself from the hurt he is trying to push on me.
Just so you don’t think I have it all together I’m here to reassure that I’m a mess lol! I lay in bed thinking too much and don’t sleep well and I wake up and I don’t even want to think about him but he still sits in my brain right now. And I told my best friend that the silver lining is I am losing some weight because it’s hard to eat when you feel sick to your stomach all the time.
But I know that although I’m afraid of the future right now I will be okay no matter which path it leads me. I’m strong enough to be the present and reliable parent for our kiddos and strong enough to work on healing myself through this process. And I’m working on letting go of the person I thought H was because that person is not here anymore and our relationship is done. Maybe he will realize one day that he made a mistake and if he is willing to put the work into it to genuinely fix his issues as I am willing to fix mine (and yes I am working with an IC) then he will have a chance at a new relationship with me and for that I am holding onto hope for.
