Hello all, I’ve been reading for about a week and finally am moving toward my own posting. Just knowing there are people going through the same pain as me right now dealing with these strangers we are married too has provided some comfort. I feel so bad reading through these posts because I feel the same pain myself and it makes my heart hurt that someone else is being drug through the mud the same way. So I’m posting here for my own comfort and because I want to reach out to help provide for others. I’m going to have to be very cautious for now about sharing details because I’m at a disadvantage of covering my tracks from WAS.
I’m working on reading DB and all the wonderful information being shared in the forum and you know what I love? That whether or not the marriage sorts out the LBS is guided toward making themselves better. My WAS doesn’t deserve the mental and emotional energy I’ve spent this last month when he walked away. So I’m writing down all these helpful tidbits of information to rewrite my brain.
Writing in my gratitude app each morning, setting goals for myself, planning ahead on expecting his bad behavior because it’s easier to handle if I know it’s coming.
Now with all that said, I’m still in the beginning stages and the frantic posting I see from others, boy do I feel you! I think over and over, “maybe if I just pleaded to him he would open his eyes and turn into the man I love?” No he hasn’t turned into that man over the last month, it’s been radio silence for the most part. So I’m entering NC phase now and I genuinely believe that if nothing else, if it doesn’t make him wake up and realize that he is destroying our family (over things that can be fixed) then by entering NC I’m protecting myself from the hurt he is trying to push on me.
Just so you don’t think I have it all together I’m here to reassure that I’m a mess lol! I lay in bed thinking too much and don’t sleep well and I wake up and I don’t even want to think about him but he still sits in my brain right now. And I told my best friend that the silver lining is I am losing some weight because it’s hard to eat when you feel sick to your stomach all the time.
But I know that although I’m afraid of the future right now I will be okay no matter which path it leads me. I’m strong enough to be the present and reliable parent for our kiddos and strong enough to work on healing myself through this process. And I’m working on letting go of the person I thought H was because that person is not here anymore and our relationship is done. Maybe he will realize one day that he made a mistake and if he is willing to put the work into it to genuinely fix his issues as I am willing to fix mine (and yes I am working with an IC) then he will have a chance at a new relationship with me and for that I am holding onto hope for.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So I’m going to start giving a background story without disclosing too much information.
Married for 20 years with kiddos.
Had various episodes of EA from him throughout the years and I threw a fit but we never really addressed it, never did counseling.
History between us would be fighting about whatever various issue, him threatening divorce, but then making up a few days later and we would cycle up and down like that. We didn’t really fight often, maybe once or twice a year of an actual fight and it was because I avoided or dismissed things to avoid fighting. (This is something I’m taking responsibility for with my therapist, I should have spoken up and addressed things)
He becomes unhappy at his job within the last year or so and silent treatment punishment becomes a new tool that he uses if there was any disagreement between us. And sleeping in a separate room was also a new punishment tool that he introduced. But then a few days later everything was okay and we moved on.
Some time last year during one of the extended punishments he used a free legal resource to figure out his options. I found out after things were back to “normal” and I was really angry/upset because I felt like that was a betrayal. I’ve put up with the EA and some other bad behaviors over the years (I’m being discreet to protect myself right now) and I stayed with him through it and I never crossed those lines and I’m not perfect and have some things to work on but I felt betrayed that he would consider leaving me when I stayed with him when he hurt me several times.
At the end of 2019 he was angry with me because I was hurt and angry that he chose his friends over me again and I had an attitude with him about it (sorry I would love to blab our details but I’m trying so hard to keep this discreet) This has been a reoccurring issue between the EA and also with friendships where he takes care of others over me. I always feel second place.
He silent treatment’d me for several weeks and finally I had enough and confronted him and he BD. He said the only way he would stick around is if I changed myself. I got an IC and started and he came back around because he said that he thought I was really trying.
He joined therapy (therapist does ind and group) and we hadn’t really dived into any deep issues but we were working on better communication and things were going really well.
Soft BD occurred 4 weeks ago after he chose to prioritize another person going through a bad situation . . this friendship already has some flavors of EA showing, and I was really tolerant of his support of friend until I started feeling like the friend was 1st and I was 2nd. Therapist even told him that I was a saint for allowing the support to occur in the way it did and she felt bad for the friend (as do I) but therapist said she wouldn’t have allowed what I allowed. She told him I had every right to feel the way I did. H does not like hearing any of this and eventually it comes out that I have an issue with the direction the support was headed because I don’t trust H from past circumstances. A few days of more silent treatment punishment and then he announced during a group session that he was leaving. He angrily rejected the letter I wrote him telling him I was sorry for how I hurt him and that I was working to fix those things for myself and I loved him. (Therapist said we are equal in behaviors to work on, he has a lot he needs to fix too—he just didn’t want to focus on that, he wanted to blame me and I took it because I was willing to put the work in for us and I wanted him to get it off his chest so we could try to fix. I was trying to be the one to step forward and change first instead of expecting him to do it.)
He left the next two weeks and I heard very little from him. Therapist said this would be a good time to take a break and work individually and move back to group sessions later. At two week time we had a group session and both therapist and I said we felt very hopeful because H really opened up.
The next two weeks I noticed a distinct cold shouldering. Any text messages were either replied very short or not at all. This week he texted me and said he wanted to separate the finances and wanted D.
So I apologize that I left so many details out, it’s missing all the juicy bits but I’ll try to share what I can. I have to make some technology changes before I feel more comfortable opening up.
Therapist said we are 50/50 need to work on things but said they felt very hopeful and felt they weren’t anything that we couldn’t solve. I agreed with that, there were things to improve on both sides and really embraced taking responsibility for myself, something new for me. I’ve been working hard with therapist and she has said that I’m doing a wonderful job working and learning about myself and practicing better behaviors.
Therapist was really disappointed when I texted and told about the BD. He hasn’t discussed that decision with therapist during individual sessions. Therapist says he has shut himself down so far and isn’t willing to work at this time so I needed to prepare myself to the reality of D.
H wants to fight, the text message where he BD he kept trying to make accusations and insinuate things and I kept saying I don’t want to fight, none of this is necessary. This is not the normal ElevenDiamonds, normal behavior is to get sucked right down with the tit for tat type fighting. So maybe he is trying to provoke me so he can feel validated. I don’t understand where the anger is coming from. But I genuinely don’t want to fight. Therapy really is working for me, it’s opened up my eyes and although I have more work to do I feel good about the progress I’ve made.
I don’t know for sure if there is some MLC playing into this, the symptoms are there (hating job, age time frame, looking at new car, joining gym, etc) but from what I’m reading MLCs waffle back and forth on what they want. He has not wavered except to say he missed me during the two week group session. Otherwise it’s been cold, distant, and resolute that he is done and wants it done ASAP. Maybe he is just simply WAS. He did walk away, dumped every responsibility on me. I’m taking care of everything on my own now (not that I didn’t take care of the majority of it before it’s now new added responsibilities to deal with as well)
I don’t know who this person is. I understand that he was trying to tell me he was unhappy in the past and I had my head in the sand so I actually have empathy for him in that regard for why he might not trust that real change can be made. And I like I said, I don’t know if MLC exactly applies but I do feel he is drowning in an emotional whirlpool and I think he is scared to actually deal with it so he is running away and trying to rip the band aid off. I think he pushed suddenly for D because it’s easier than having to face the pain and also having to face the responsibility he shared in how we got here. H’s friend did the same thing, it was easier to deal with the guilt of ending it than it was to face the mirror. I’m disappointed because I thought H was better than that.
If I were a friend reading my situation I would tell ElevenDiamonds to move on because she doesn’t deserve someone who won’t take responsibility for his mistakes and shut down over actually trying to grow past it. And the treatment I am getting now, I’m shocked. Who is this person? I never would have guessed that he would be this person that is disappointing me with the way he is treating me and treating kiddos. He hasn’t completely bailed on them but I would say it’s about 20 percent of the involvement now. Tries to use oldest one to take care of his responsibilities (which I end up doing because I’m not going to have my kid have to step in and be the role of an adult because his father decided to bail.)
Also H tries to handle communication to me through the oldest and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that because I did not want kiddos feeling they were in the middle of things. He was doing that to avoid having to talk to me about stuff he wanted or needed done.
The logical side of me realizes that I don’t deserve this treatment and that he doesn’t deserve how hard I have been working with therapist to make changes for myself. But damn, the heart gets in the way. I still very much love the person that now only seems to exist in my head. I feel physical tension in my body from my mind constantly looking for a relief from the pain. I’m at the stage where if he came back today I would take him back even though I know he doesn’t deserve it and I deserve better but the relief from the pain would override that logic for me right now. So maybe it is a hidden blessing for me that he is so cold and done right now.
And I believe that people can change if their hearts are truly in it. And if he truly put the work into work past his issues I would take him back, I still love him and he has been the only one. My friends can’t understand who this person is right now because it’s just so unlike him to be cruel and petty. I’m coming to terms that the relationship we had is done. I have hope in my heart that he will realize he is making a mistake (because I genuinely believe he will at some point) and be willing to make the changes he needs and we can have a new relationship. But even if that is not a chance, we share children and I would at least wish to have an easy coparenting relationship and he isn’t doing a good job handling that right now. With the parenting mistakes he is making right now, I know he knows better, but I don’t think he can get out of his own way to see that he is making the mistakes.
I’m worried that he is so caught up in this emotional whirlpool that he is going to try to make things as bad as possible for me. I feel he is broadcasting on me because he can’t deal with himself right now. I can’t trust him anymore not to try to hurt me or screw me over and I told my friend I won’t be surprised if he shows up with papers and announcing he is moving away. I could see him doing something that drastic just to try to escape his emotional pain right now. I won’t be surprised if he quits with therapist too.
Strangely I don’t have anger right now. I have nauseating anxiety and I would do anything to have him come hug me and tell me he wanted to try (ugh that is annoying because I know I am worth more than that right now but I crave the relief from that) and am hurt by his behavior but not angry. I’ve read that there will be stages so I now it might come later.
This [censored]. And I know I just have to work through the pain and I know I will be fine at the end of where ever this goes but it’s a miserable place to be for sure.
I’m working closely with therapist right now about GAL, setting goals for myself, working on gratitude journal, practicing self care, etc. Therapist is really proud of me right now and said that my hope Is admirable but that I need to be realistic about D and prepare myself to protect myself. Keep in mind therapist is also H’s therapist so that probably points to a not so good future.
The thing I like about DB is that really I think it’s more of a guide book for taking care of yourself during D process. It WAS comes back then that is amazing but if not then LBS still did the work to take care if themselves. I feel like that is the only way I can survive this to not let myself get sucked down into his hole. Just because he is being an awful person right now doesn’t mean I have to meet him at his level. Just because he doesn’t want to face the mirror and fix his issues doesn’t mean that I can’t do that. And you know what, if that day comes and my heart closes because I’ve had enough then working on myself now will help me for the future Mr.ElevenDiamonds.
My heart goes out to all the LBS here. There is so much wonderful kind advice on here and I think it’s because everyone understands how brutally raw the pain is. I know the pain is something to grow from but boy it feels like right now it’s the end of the world for me (I know I know, you don’t have to tell me! I know I will get through this!)
While initiating going dark process, does one comply with being told to separate finances? There is a lot to go through and I’m unsure if I truly go dark and press pause and know that H will get pissed for having to follow up and ask again (will see me as dragging it out) or move ahead at my schedule of separating? I can’t trust this stranger anymore so I am unsure if I comply as directed to keep him from getting angry and causing me more pain and difficulty or just press pause and go dark and know and expect the tantrum that will come after it?
The part about complying. . . that is the same behavior I had before where I would avoid standing up for myself or speaking up about what I wanted because I wanted to avoid a fight. Working with therapist has me realizing that I had controlling behaviors that circle around sense of survival but a new realization for me was H had controlling behaviors that circle about lack of respect. I don’t know what is the better choice for myself right now. Go dark and piss him off and face the wrath and punishment or comply to keep the volcano from erupting and save myself from more pain and difficulty? I feel like if/when he gets mad he will be petty and do whatever he can to try to hurt me. I also know that I need to keep working on detaching from that.
While initiating going dark process, does one comply with being told to separate finances? There is a lot to go through and I’m unsure if I truly go dark and press pause and know that H will get pissed for having to follow up and ask again (will see me as dragging it out) or move ahead at my schedule of separating? I can’t trust this stranger anymore so I am unsure if I comply as directed to keep him from getting angry and causing me more pain and difficulty or just press pause and go dark and know and expect the tantrum that will come after it?
The part about complying. . . that is the same behavior I had before where I would avoid standing up for myself or speaking up about what I wanted because I wanted to avoid a fight. Working with therapist has me realizing that I had controlling behaviors that circle around sense of survival but a new realization for me was H had controlling behaviors that circle about lack of respect. I don’t know what is the better choice for myself right now. Go dark and piss him off and face the wrath and punishment or comply to keep the volcano from erupting and save myself from more pain and difficulty? I feel like if/when he gets mad he will be petty and do whatever he can to try to hurt me. I also know that I need to keep working on detaching from that.
Thoughts, anyone?
Thank you for reading.
That bolded sentence stood out to me. Its pretty profound and it made me think of my situation though I'm probably the one controlling out of lack of respect and my H is probably controlling out of need of survival. Though sometimes I think it tends to go back and forth for us -which one is the lack of respect/which one is the survival.
If you don't want D then don't make it easy on him and let him do the work. You do you. It seems like you have a good handle with your IC about where you are and where you need to be. You don't want to deal with finances right now then don't pursue. Let him bring it up again. Tell him you will look at your schedule and get back to him. You can't put off indefinitely but you can buy yourself some time to slooooowwww this whole process down.
Let him go. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. The best thing you can do is work on being a better person. You stated he already saw some changes right? Sometimes they can't trust those changes are real and that you won't revert back to the old you. Be consistent. Also be kind but not in a doormat way. When/if he talks to you listen and validate his feelings... not his rudeness to you though you can say/ I hear how you feel... I understand how you feel.
I'm in the middle of my own meltdown... so not the best to give advice. I'm sure you will get the help of those more experienced.
Just wanted to say welcome and hugs! Peace and Love
I’ve been working my way through your thread, it’s crazy how I know the feelings you and others have because I am experiencing the same thing. Thank you for the welcome and same back to you and thank you for the advice. People are so thoughtful to each other on here.
I am proud that today I practiced not responding a text from him right away and keeping the reply very short and cordial and not offering out more. Baby steps toward detaching. Normally I would have jumped right on a reply but I focused on taking care of others things first.
H will get pissed for having to follow up and ask again (will see me as dragging it out).. Go dark and piss him off and face the wrath and punishment or comply to keep the volcano from erupting and save myself from more pain and difficulty? I would avoid standing up for myself or speaking up about what I wanted because I wanted to avoid a fight.
Picture an angry boss screaming at you. Now pictures he fired you. You're at home, enjoying your day, and he wants work done. He calls to yell, to plead, to tell you nice things (but not to rehire you). Do you do his work? Of course not! Standing up for yourself is a great idea and helps rebuild your respect.
It'll be tempting to respond. Your brain will try to come up with reasons to. Try turning off your alerts. Try delaying a day. Show your reply here or to an IC first. That's how I built upto NC for 3 months.
You may want to retain an attorney a.s.a.p. to tell you how to protect yourself and defang any threats he makes and tell you what you really should respond to (which is usually minimal).
He came by to repair an item for oldest kiddo and it was so so hard to resist going outside. I felt like I could just walk out and everything would be normal. But the logical side of me knows that is a fool’s game. Going outside would just be more painful because I’m not going to get what I am hoping for.
So I stayed in. And watched him drive away when he was done.
Attny is a smart step I know and I just have to work myself up to that step. I am a smart logical person and have the sense to know what anyone else in this situation should do unfortunately I can’t turn off the dumb emotional side of me that says “please stay! please don’t go!” Silly brain.
Thank you CWarrior about the advice to turn off alerts, I just did that. That will help me fight the urge to jump right on a text message right away. I also turned off read receipt.
He came by to repair an item for oldest kiddo and it was so so hard to resist going outside. I felt like I could just walk out and everything would be normal. But the logical side of me knows that is a fool’s game. Going outside would just be more painful because I’m not going to get what I am hoping for.
So I stayed in. And watched him drive away when he was done.
Attny is a smart step I know and I just have to work myself up to that step. I am a smart logical person and have the sense to know what anyone else in this situation should do unfortunately I can’t turn off the dumb emotional side of me that says “please stay! please don’t go!” Silly brain.
One day at a time.
I get that... all the time.
It was good that you didn't run out there. Let him wonder why you didn't. You have better things to do and a clearer mindset to get into.
I'm in the middle of my H moving out his things... I can't stand going into my closet and see his half all empty. But every day gets easier. I barely slept last night but the 2hr I did get was some weird dream involving my H and that he was not leaving OW. Oh... the mind can be horrible to us sometimes.
But, I'm focusing more on me - I'm working out and look amazing... another 10lbs and LOOK OUT!! I'm also reading and journalling... doing an online course.
What can you do? Even if its just taking a bubble bath... Do one thing that focuses on self care today.
