A typical Cliche

[SteveLW]

Illidin, I am sorry you are here, but glad you found us. We can help, and we can encourage you. Remember, encouragement is both attaboys, and 2x4s. No one here is mean on purpose so prepare yourself for some hard things to hear. We've all been there. If you read my threads on my sitch you will see I was getting 2x4s left and right!!

I related to a lot of what you wrote. I too was a controlling, mean, overbearing, jerk. No easier way to put it. My W and I were terrible at conflict resolutions. She was not interested in sex. She isn't a good house-keeper and is a SAHM. The frustration, anger, resentment and bitterness grew over time. To the point where I felt used and unappreciated. That made me negative. I belittled every TV show she watched. Every song she enjoyed. Every hobby and pastime she engaged in. So by time Bomb Day rolled around, she was completely right in telling me she wanted out. (She wasn't right in her behavior leading up to that point, but that is another story.)

So the dynamics sound similar. One thing you need to know, is that her thoughts of taking this step of ending your relationship has gone on for a longtime. Many WASs start mentally walking away at least a year before BD. Some even longer than that. So while you are on a roller-coaster, and want to fix everything, it can't be done. Certainly you can't talk her into changing her mind. You can't talk your way out of what took you years to act your way into. And even if you started doing everything right from this moment on, it will take a long time to act your way back into a new marriage with her.

Your marriage is over. Dead. Never coming back. Now you can work on creating a on new marriage, MR 2.0 we like to call it, but understand that is months, if not years away. And sadly may not be with your W. Not going to lie, odds are against you. Especially since you've already done so many wrong things.

You see, after BD the right thing to do is to back off, give her space, focus on you. That means keep yourself busy apart from her (what you described above for your new normal ain't that). That means not begging, pleading, reasoning etc. Also, as controller, you need to stop all controlling behaviors. Immediately. More on that in a minute. You need to continue to do what you are doing around improving yourself. BUT, remember this rule. The minute you point out to her your positive changes, the impact of that change is lost. Potentially forever. No one ever believes someone has truly changed if that person is constantly pointing it out to the other person. Proving permanent change takes consistency and time. Permanent change isn't a snow storm. What those produce come and go. Permanent change is a glacier etching permanent changes into the earth over hundreds and thousands of years. Be the glacier.

Finally, you have to work on detachment. Loving, emotional detachment. Google "Self-differentiation in marriage" for a good healthy way you should be with your wife. You need to really work on detaching your emotions and reactions from her words and deeds. Yeah, that is tough, but you can do it. And the benefits to your current situation, and in a future relationship with her would astound you!!

So back to controlling. Your controlling nature has never ceased. You still have been trying to control her, and your situation. You have control over neither!! And trying to exert control over those will cause them to spin further out of your control and push her farther and farther away. How have you been controlling? Reread your OP: demanding boundaries, insisting on her talking about the relationship, trying to get her to agree to trying, etc. All CONTROLLING. Even your IC search showed control:

"I am going to do IC, and I suggest you do the same." Sorry dude, that is controlling. "I want you to do IC because maybe the IC will tell you to stay with me!" First, that is pressure and pursuit. Second, that is an expectation that you are surely going to be disappointed about. Read other sitchs here and you will see the majority of IC tell the WAS they are doing the right thing! Some don't but the majority do.

This would have been non-controlling: "I have decided to do IC. A lot has happened, and I need to learn how to deal with it and work through it."

Illidin, I think the best thing you can focus on, other than yourself (through GAL and staying busy, 180s and self-improvements, and detachment) is to remove ALL pressure and pursuit. Every time you have an impulse to do something or say somthing, stop yourself and ask: "is this in any way pressure or pursuit". Even if you have an inkling of a doubt that it isn't, then DON'T SAY OR DO IT!! Your goal is zero, zip, nada pressure or pursuit.

One last plug on detachment, it is so important to work on. You noticing everything she is doing (not saying I love you (by the way if you are still saying it, stop),not wearing her ring), shows just how attached you are. I get the sense that a lot of what is going on is an extreme level of unhealthy attachment. A lot of your old behaviors are tied to that. Chasing friends away, not being social, shows almost a fixation on her and wanting her all to yourself. Even the excuses for not having kids! Trust me, there never a good time to have kids. Probation at work, financial downturns, buying things. There is ALWAYS an excuse. I think deep down you didn't want to have kids because then her focus wouldn't be solely on you. So I think you can make huge inroads at potentially reconciliation if, if you can emotionally detach. I think the unfair pressure of her having to constantly try to make you happy broke her. There is nothing more unfair than making someone responsible for your happiness. So 180 on that and work on detachment.