My situation has really devolved at the moment. I don't want to go into the details, but it's possible if not likely this is going to get expensive and legal. I probably won't post much other than possibly feelings journals for awhile.
Compared to even a week or two ago, I'm feeling much stronger. As a child, I learned to cater to my M's sometimes extremely negative moods. I suppressed my emotional needs, and I developed a sense of humor as a way to compensate. I learned by being agreeable, things would be tolerable and the people around me would be happier. And as a result, I've been walked on several times in my life. I accepted lousy treatment in past relationships. I've walked on eggshells around my W (which is a NGS signature move and can be very destructive to MRs). Eventually I wanted to fix things so badly that I wrote these over-the-top apology letters a year ago that completely eviscerated myself, hoping to keep the peace. I look back and cannot believe how willing I was to just lay down and admit to being a fundamentally awful person, because I thought it would save my MR.
Now I'm faced with this situation with tons of blowback. From my WAW. From my parents who cut me off 3 years ago (but now are making clumsy attempts to reconnect now that they've heard about my D). From the mediator. A lot of people suggesting I am unreasonable or flawed.
And... I feel centered. I feel calm. I just want equal time with my kids. I deserve it. I feel centered in my values and I don't care if people object.
