This is long I'm sorry about that I guess Im just trying to get my thoughts out of my head.
Hi, I'm new here obviously. I've been together with my wife for 12 years now, technically 13 in may but I guess we wont make it to that special number now. We were high school sweet hearts. She was a freshman and I was a sophomore. We had almost all of our firsts together. Every real decision in my life has been based around creating and having a life with her. We have been married for roughly 2 and half years. I know it took me a long time to ask and honestly that was a big part of why I'm here I think. Not the timing itself but my inability to make a decision, overthink every possible outcome etc. A month ago my wife told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. That I had spent the majority of the last 12 years making her feel like garbage. This honestly isn't something new she has been saying that forever usually in moments of anger though. She did threaten to leave often again in anger though. I tried many times to work on me in some ways but admittedly not in the ways that really mattered and not hard enough. I have a control issue that I used to belittle my wife, it was not intentional but I realize how silly it was now. Being grumpy about her wearing make up, who she was spending time with, telling her what I thought things were stupid all the time. I pushed away many friends she tried to have. I ruined all kinds of moments with my negativity. I passed up on important moments for selfish reasons including refusing to go and meet her family for the first time in Florida a couple months ago. All great things to recognize and fix in hind sight as I type this now but I didn't see any of the things that occurred over the last month or so happening.
Roughly a month and 2 week ago by my approximation. My wife decided to join a sexy meme group on Facebook it was linked via another meme group shed been apart of for awhile. She says it was all just for fun. But a few days past and suddenly she decides she needs to make up new accounts and emails to rejoin with. Then starts to really get involved with the posts. Responding provocatively posting her own memes engaging everyone she can. A post goes out about joining the group chat which she does. During this week, we were both off work due to the virus we had just a nice weekend with our little brother and sister. We celebrated my mothers birthday early. We were having a pretty good week my wife is always stressed by work. When she has a period of time off we normally have a great time. She was very intimate in fact actively pursing me, which is very rare for her, it was great. I was very happy. The next week she goes back to work and is very frustrated by it especially because she is excepted to do all her normal shifts even though there is no work to do. Meanwhile I am at home on call still being paid. On the group during this week she is now in the chat and meeting more and more people she is having fun and ends up talking to 2 men more privately, sending photos and sexting. In 12 years my wife has never sent a dirty photo to me. Any time is was discussed or I tried to take photo for myself it was a fight about how she trusted me but not that it wouldn't get out by mistake. I always respected that. At home the week is strained but in my mind okay were just both on edge. Friday I finish installing a new sink we decided to buy and am very proud I finished it myself without any help. My wife calls and suggest we pick up pizza. She has been kinda short with me that day and I assume work is bothering her so she doesn't want to deal with cooking. When she gets home kinda late I rush her back out the door to get the pizza the entire time she is standoffish and I didn't understand why. Then in the liquor store where we decided to grab some slushs I ask if there is anything else she wants and she says a vape. My wife smoked when I met her and I told her I wasn't interested in a smoker no harm no foul. She quit that day to be with me and hasn't smoked for 12 years. Today she wants to push my buttons though It puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day but whatever I think we will discuss it later. All this time I still am not really that bothered just a bad day. Later that night she takes a shower but gets dressed in the bathroom. This is the moment that makes everything feel wrong. I've never spied on my wife or felt a need to look at her stuff. But today I cant help it. I grab her spare phone and unlock it and instantly see a chat from a disturbing group I've never heard of, the meme group I mentioned earlier. the subject martial bothers me, if she had involved me maybe not so much spice up our marriage a little. IN the group my wife is discussing hair dye still not a big deal. But then I notice there are other direct messages. I open one and instantly see a dick video and I scroll quickly to see pictures of my wife she sent back to him. I stop there, the idea that I need to really look more and understand this maybe get evidence passed by my mind. I decide no, I need to confront her let her tell me and have remorse so we can work this out.
As you can imagine it didn't go that way. She at first asks me what I'm talking about of course she didn't. I tell her I saw them and her face twists into a smile. Okay fine yes I am. I ask why and shes says I don't know it just happened. She says shes sorry she lied and she kept it from me. One of the big things in my life has always been affairs. I didn't believe in them I didn't even date girls more than a month as a kid unless I though it would last. There is nothing wrong with having a good time with people but relationships are commitment. If that changes you should voice it first. SO this was a lot for me. I ask her what know, and she tells me she doesn't want to be together. We fight fro awhile about why and she tells me the things I mentioned in the first block. She tells me that the affair has nothing to do with it. She felt this way for a long time. That is probably true but obviously the affair plays a role too. If nothing else it gave her the confidence and strength to finally say it. We fight into the night, by fight I mean I beg. Eventually I get her to change her words and call it a break. But she also wont agree to any break boundaries she wont stop the affair etc. She says that maybe she can see us back together if I change.
So I do, I change overnight. The truth is I had actually been working on a lot of things more seriously over the last year. I was tired of myself and wanted a better me. Also I had planned on asking my wife to have a child in the coming month now that I was off probation from my new job. The probation was 12 months and full of problems. So that was driving the need for a new me. It was slow going though. Baby steps so I didn't fail. But now I had to be a new man now. The one thing I was asked to do at the moment though I could not control. She wanted space and not to bothered about things that "were not my business". The group was not my business until we were back together and then we would deal with it. Of course the jealousy of that group made that impossible and it felt like an insurmountable obstacle in my way. A week in and with limited ability to really spy on her I blew up. A number of strange sites on her browsing history throughout the day made me feel like my wife wanted to run away with one of the men. That day I snatched her phone when she came back. It was a terrible fight. And was officially the end of her being nice with her accounts she changed all the passwords for the things I still knew. To make matters worse my wife had been talking to a friend and about the new house she bought and was planning to come home and talk to me about it. I said she had stopped talking to me for awhile and she was trying to put in effort to tell me more. After that I feel like any of my attempts of showing change are mostly ignored, Didn't help that I couldn't stop asking about the group, our relationship, if she noticed things I was doing etc. 3 weeks go by of me continuing to try. During this time my wife agrees to one boundary, while she is still considering what I am working to show her, she wont send anything unclothed just underwear. That literally brings me to tears and makes me feel happier than I have in awhile. I realize in the morning I just had euphoria over letting my wife send underwear shots to other men and Im disgusted anew. I keep trying and come last friday I'm having a hard time know that not only has a month now passed since she joined and everyday she is on the group is building closer bonds, when I found it it had been about 2 weeks in only. I confront her with how she feels in a more serious way than I have been. She says that the things I have been doing are great but also that doesn't believe their totally genuine. Even if they are then why now, why not the million other times she asked. Also its not really changing how shes done with me. She explains that in best light It feels like Im filling in a hole thats 12 years deep and even if I fill it it will probably take a lot more than that to make her see it as stable. She doesn't know if any of it will ever make it fell the way she use to and she doesn't want to waste my time but its up to me. That night when she comes home she tells me she doesn't think this is fair to me or her. She wont keep anymore boundaries and time will tell if anything changes. I obviously should have kept my mouth shut as I made her think more about this through the day by confronting her. My depression slinks back to its worse state now as I feel my hope is gone. Im still not giving up though. I want to have my wife back, I love her more than anything.
So now I am here hoping to find support and techniques to help. Tomorrow is officially the 1 month mark since she told me. It has been a roller coaster. Since the beginning she has told me still cares for me and wants to be friends. She wants to live here while we sort out our new lives. It is honestly best for both of us financially. She discussed moving out of our bedroom but I haven't allowed it Im just not ready to sleep alone. She hasn't fought me on it. She does what she wants and seems very happy and free. She goes out to see friends, she started smoking again at least socially. She talks on her group and has informed me that the men she lied to me about are no longer apart of her life they got boring and needy. There are new ones but at least I can take solace in that they are from after we separated. Obviously this doesn't help. In my mind ever person in that group is an EA. Regardless if there conversations are sexual or not they are a crouch to help her feel better. She also joined bumble but assures me is just set to BFF mode. She has wanted friends for years and has always had a hard time making and keeping them. She says a lot of that is due to me being overbearing and rude. Shes not wrong in that regard I did chase away her friends and have a very hard time being social. So even when I tried I made her feel anxious when I was around her friends. I am not allowed to really ask her much about anything other than school, work and what we are doing together. She rarely opens up about anything on her own. Every morning she talks with me while getting ready as if everything is fine. We have dinner together, we make decisions about groceries, sometimes even shop together. We spend at least a couple hours each night watching tv and talking. I am still regularly bringing conversations back to us as I don't know what else to talk about. I remind her that even though I'm depressed I am not being negative anymore. That my mind is fully focused on a positive outcome and I want to prove that to her. Over the last month she slowly stopped the act. She wont wear a wedding ring at all anymore regardless if we are going to see my or her family. Neither have been told yet. She has finally stopped telling me she loves me when she leaves a literal 12 year habit that has never been skipped before. She never mentions us on her own. So far only 1 friend of hers has been told no one else knows. The group was told she was separated but before she joined, so no hard feelings to anyone for being a home wreaker. A couple days ago she added one of the group members to her regular facebook with all our family. She has become very close to this girl and tells me even if we got back together she would want to fight to keep that friendship. I dont know how to feel about that. Today I plan to start making phone calls to find a IC. I told my wife that is my plan and she should look into it as well. I have been working harder on not bringing up our relationship anymore. I have been giving her more space to figure out what shes doing. It has not been easy and I am definitely not accomplishing it that well. I finally reached out to my sister and told her whats going on. I have no friends at all. Havent for many years. I am not close to my family either but I had no where else to go. She has been very helpful and we have been closer than we ever have been. I am going to try and spend more time there a week to help give us both space.
I feel miserable and don't know what is going to happen next. I hope that things will someday change for the better in our relationship. I want to have my wife back. I want to make her feel the way she deserves and give her the life we have always wanted. I want to start the family that we have worked sooo hard to finally be somewhat stable enough to have. Our life together has been full of ups and downs. Every step of the way we had to face some sort of obstacle to earn the next milestone. Jeez my wife broke her humerus the day we were supposed to close on our house playing handball at work. A very rare bone to break. That has always been our life and we have always been there together to get through it. I know it was far from perfect but I never thought we would be here.
To anyone who reads, encourages or offers advice thank you.
