I think having him is better than no one. A warm body, someone to go out with, being part of a couple, having help, money, etc. I read the dating stories here and I'm thinking that's a no from me
Oh please. Not that you're anywhere near ready to date - maybe take your time until the kids are older. Me personally, I've had my share of dating adventures since my ex left. BUT - one common thread - EVERY guy I have dated since my ex has valued me more than he did. They don't see my imperfections like ex did, they think I'm fabulous, and even the sex has generally been better (although it was really good with my ex, but oh my - some of my boyfriends since? HOT!)
You can do better if that's what you want. Meanwhile work on your friendships and other relationships - they can fill a lot of that companionship need.
A good friend of mine was in a great unsigned band in the 80's called The Rails, and one of my favorite songs of theirs had the chorus "I'm lonelier with you than when I'm alone". Embrace your singlehood for now, there will be time later when you're healed to decide what you do or don't want from a man. Once this virus is tamed, start a monthly (or weekly) potluck dinner at your house. Expand your friendship horizons.
kml the greats say that once you’re truly content being single, really content not just lip service then pure love is possible. I get glimpses of how that works with a few friends of mine. They’ll text, back off, all in, then moody, want to hang out then too busy. I get my feelings hurt but I’m learning not to take it personally. I feel like I’m getting more control over my feelings. If a friend lifts me up then disappears I feel abandoned yet again. It’s an old wound. I’m able to sit with my feelings without getting angry at the friend. I am not their problem. I might do something unhealthy like sleep too much or overeat to cope but it’s a process.
The friend that wants to do the prom the old me would do it just so I wouldn’t lose her. The new me refuses to cling to people. She’s my friend and I enjoy her company. She gets moody (a lot) and I let her be. I’m not going to do something I don’t want to do just to say I have a friend.
Today the pain of H and the OW is tough. I am trying to remember how miserable I was with him and have faith that eventually it won’t hurt as much.
What about all the sad dating stories? The multiple marriages, high divorce rates, blended families, no. I have an aunt whose husband left her when her daughter was very young. She didn’t date and I never thought anything of it. She had a garden, she sewed, had friends, family she was happy enough. No therapy back then you just buried your skeletons and moved on. Anyway she did remarry, had to be 65 at the time. No OLD, small town, against all odds and she found someone.
I don’t want this. I just think (depression talking) that it’s over for me.
I’m obsessing. He won. His life didn’t miss a beat, replaced me with a younger, prettier OW. He’s the breadwinner so keeps his cash and left me in poverty. He got D14. Continues to try to starve D17 and S19 out or win them over with gifts. He needs them to feed the narrative that he’s a great father, I’m insane and he’s the hero for getting them away from me. His house is great and he’s got my pets.
Ugh...
Trying to flip this. He’s a heavy drinker, watches a lot of tv, always tired. Works too much to pay for a life he can’t afford. Judgmental, never content, etc. He’s Prince Charming to get you and when that fails to cure his unhappiness it’s your fault. He’ll throw just enough crumbs to make you believe if you were good enough the guy you fell for would come back.
He’s terrible with money because he must keep up with the Jones. The kids see him as the guy who tossed them aside for someone else. Selfish, neglectful, stupid. He thought he could have it all and well 2 out 3 ain’t bad.
Yes you do. You have the love and respect of your children, you have the capacity for true love, you have a bright future ahead of you. And once you get alimony settled, you'll have the ability to make financial plans for YOU without interference from anyone else.
His incapacity to be happy will follow him into his new life, no matter what it looks like.
Oh - and let your lawyer handle the negotiations. This is just business. He may ask for ridiculous things but that doesn't mean he will get them. Don't bring the personal emotions into it.
AND - you have the capacity to be satisfied with a simpler life. My ex was like yours - never satisfied, always wanting more. We lived in a rich enclave and even though he made over $300k a year, he was always jealous of those who had more. He felt ENTITLED to more, rather than grateful for what we had.
Since my divorce I moved to a very middle class neighborhood. My house is actually nicer because I'm not paying a big premium to live at the beach. I manage my money well and stay out of debt. Sure, I'll have to work much longer than him, but I enjoy my work.- and I actually COULD retire earlier if I wanted to downsize considerably, I just choose to keep working for a bigger financial cushion and to help my kids. I'm creative and good at finding bargains so my house is nicely furnished at relatively little expense.
The key to all of it is living within your means. Check out the Mr Money Mustache blog for inspiration, plus I also love an old set of books from the Tightwad Gazette. Teaching your kids how to live well on a budget will set them up for success in life.
Don't let him push your emotional buttons when it comes to the divorce. He will have to pay you alimony, and half of any assets. You can develop a side hustle to up your earnings after the divorce is done. I can tell you are intelligent and resourceful. You can do this! And I'm betting a year from now you will be in a much better place.
