Thanks all. I am definitely a person who soothes my anxiery with information, and I do feel like I’ve done the work in that regard. We do have a divorce that’s been filed and has moved very slowly along. In having to do my part of the paperwork I’ve read up on what I can and can’t expect and I’m aware of what my financial future looks like roughly. I was a stay at home mom for a few years before he left, and I’ve been trying to get myself financially independent since then (having been out of the workforce has proved a bigger hurdle than expected). We also live in arguably the most expensive area in the country, and I/ we are poor by the cost and standard of living here. It’s daunting, but I’m committed to getting myself into a stable position. I have yet to see any positives about being a single mom, but I remain open to hoping that could change.
Last night was upsetting and frustrating to say the least. When H came to pick up D4, she got really upset, she was crying hysterically and begging him to stay and play with her here. It was a really tough moment and it broke my heart. H has always struggled in the face of other emotions, especially those of the people he cares about. He was not handling it well, just kind of flip flopping and just crumbling under the pressure of the moment. Ultimately he asked me if it was on if they stayed and played here. This is the second time this has happened recently.
I felt it put me in a really $hitty position. I wanted to comfort and reassure daughter. I want to do what is best for her. I also do not feel it should fall to me to hold the line on this. H is the ultimately the one who has chosen this, and who doesn’t want us to all be together. It’s his choices that are hurting our daughter. I will of course always support and reassure my daughter through that. But I don’t want to do the hard emotional work for him.
After she was asleep he brought it up and asked what I thought about it. I gently told him the above, and that I felt he needs to figure out a way to have a plan to navigate those situations. He brought up the book he’d asked me to read, and referenced something from it. Basically quoting the book, he said he thinks I haven’t let go so I must be making it harder for D4. I really resent this. Its off base and so insulting as a parent. I put in a huge amount of energy to separate my feelings about al of this from D4s. I never mislead her or give her false hope or anything even close. I validate her feelings of sadness around wanting her family together.
It’s also extremely frustrating and disheartening to know that despite my efforts H can sense that I haven’t let go. It is absolutely all the more motivation to to do everything I can to let go. It felt awful to hear that from him. It felt arrogant on his part, as well as unnecessary to bring up. I guess I thought I was doing a better job at least at faking it. UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
