Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[curtis7]

I would like to start off by thanking everyone in this community for taking the time to read and respond. I have gained some truly priceless advice and it has helped me navigate through many extremely tough circumstances.

OM3 has not made further contact since my last update a week ago. I asked W how long he left her alone in their year plus A and she said 9 days. Something tells me he won’t be silent forever and will try other methods to get back in touch with her. W did not file for a TRO either since he has not resurfaced.

Both kids brought up the visit from OM3 on a few occasions in the days that followed. S9 was worried that the guy was going to come back and ram his truck through his bedroom wall. I reassured him that I’m going to protect this family and that we’ll be okay. I explained to him that we win by not responding and reacting. The kids haven’t brought the incident up again recently.

Over the past several days W has shared some insight on her state of mind and reflections. W said she was very angry with me and wanted something different. She said I am very logical and OM3 is completely ruled by emotions. W claims she tried to end it with him a few times since the end of last year. She kept going back to how he talked circles around her and made her so confused. She described having a “trauma bond” relationship with him. He would make her feel so miserable and she would have insecurity and anxiety asking herself what did she do. Then, when he would reach out to her, it was a euphoric high. However, eventually the highs became lower and lows became lower. She said she doesn’t know how anyone could sustain that long term, it’s so unhealthy. She was sad and crying at that point.

W said one thing that struck her that made her want to start distancing herself from OM3 was when I said that she didn’t even give me a chance in one of our R talks. That she decided our MR was over without allowing me to be a better H. She claims divorced BFF helped her realize all of the good things I was doing. I asked if it would have helped her end it sooner if I had told her dad or sister about the A’s. She said probably not and likely would have held it against me.

On the night of OM3’s visit a week ago. I was paging through a few of my A books hoping to find some guidance on how to get the AP out of your life aside from a NC letter. W asked about one book and I gave it to her. She read through about half of it, but I don’t think she’s picked it up in the past few days.

W has been very supportive around the house helping with the kids virtual classes, cleaning, laundry, pruning trees, cleaning up landscape beds, etc. We watch movies with the kids and ride bikes together like a family. Her and I have been watching a show every night after putting the kids to bed. She talked about bringing her TV over. She mentions different pieces of furniture or rugs that she wants to buy for our house. She packed up a bunch of food and more clothes from her place. Kids packed up more of their stuff because they don’t want to keep it over there anymore, she said I guess that’s fine. She is still reluctant to move herself out completely. I don’t push whatsoever, up to her on what and when she wants to move her things out. She certainly seems to be holding on to that place and isn’t ready to exit completely.

She keeps talking about the MBR as mine and the Guest BR as hers. It’s frustrating, but I don’t pressure her. I guess it will take time for her to feel comfortable with us living under the same roof again. She hasn’t touched me and there is zero physical intimacy. Yesterday at lunch D5 said the following out of nowhere while W was sitting in the living room and clearly heard her: “It’s like things are back to normal dad, except you and mom aren’t sleeping together.” I didn’t know what to say and had no response. D5 is right, it kind of feels like we’re married again until it’s time for bed. W is attentive and seems to care about my opinion and feelings on matters, but she’s still reserved and cautious. Maybe she’s scared and ashamed of having to disclose the WW and is satisfied with the status quo for now. I’m not sure how to restore intimacy if we haven’t even discussed what happened, expressed recommitment, and agreed upon how things are going to be different.