While I am putting every effort to put the focus back on myself, I do see where I am still stuck giving to H some of my desires. Yes, I want this fixed now... at least in 6 months... he has a year and I am done.
In an effort to focus on myself I did a lot of journalling about what I defined as deal breakers - I had 2 BEFORE I was married. 1) Wouldn't marry a smoker (well he wasn't when we married but overtime with years of having his XW withhold his kids for months at time and just being around at work it was an easy stress reliever that he fell back into). He was polite and didn't do it around me. He kept trying to cut back. I used to nag - that didn't help. Then I ignored and he made more effort but that is a tough monkey to get off your back. I accepted my H for who he was - flawed like the rest of us. I mostly worried for his health. AND 2) a PA. I thought the minute there was a PA I would pack my bags and be out the door in a flash. But, I realize my role in where things were at with my H and our M. I will never make excuses for the path he chose to take but I see his pain and his agony before the PA actually happened. I did my reading prior to marrying my H because of his past history... and yet as years of ups and downs and what life throws at you... here we both are again. I understand my H (please do not mix that up with I excuse him.) Under the right conditions I think our M could be salvaged from this - no guarantees. NOW my only deal breaker is 3) Divorce. If we get to D then I know we are truly done. I won't walk down that road where the person I married just completely baled when times got tough. If I can show him I can work through this and he still feels the best answer is D then D it is. So I've given my sitch a year.
I am really focusing on me, but I haven't detached completely yet. I know that is a process and perhaps by keeping the focus on me it will happen.
I took 2 weeks to figure out what I could do with my extra time (especially now with quarantine). I don't want to put ALL my time into knitting ---- that is what happened at the demise of my M. In the last 2 1/2month the tv has only been on for 1 1/2hr... I used to have it on for background noise all the time.
So I went from free online classes about photography - minor interest for me but something I will never invest thousands of dollars to get into. I was interested in MasterClass series and while that would have been interesting would that really challenge me personally? Since I have a highly pedigreed gun dog I looked into "how to train your gun dog". I've never handled a firearm let alone shoot anything. I was laughing at work because I have to get him socialized around gunfire... now I have to go buy a rifle/shotgun I don't even know the difference. I have to learn how to handle it and holy cow I'm gong to get into duck hunting just to keep my athletic dog stimulated!!! It was a good laugh at work. That's going to be a lot of time and needing help of others for sure.
I settled on a 10 week M program where one spouse is out the door. The basis is not to focus on your M but you. And, when the time comes how to implement those things when communicating with your S. I thought this would hammer home thinking and getting the focus truly on myself. There has been a ton of homework. Its a great deal of introspection and a lot of it is painful --- seeing how our behaviors cut each other down rather than building each other up. I showed him my love by DOING things for him. I thought by packing his lunch and doing his laundry and keeping a clean house showed that I loved him immensely. Yeah, those things were nice but his love language is physical touch... and because of my self esteem issues with my weight I didn't feel worthy. That left him feeling rejected and isolated. He left our M because he didn't feel love or respected by me.
Anyway I digress. I'm taking the full 10 weeks. I going to work through this to see how I can be a better person moving forward by things I might have done that hurt my S. And, again hoping this lets me really and truly focus on me because I'm the prize... or as my H put it I was a goddess at one point to him.
Last night was difficult. I know I deserve better and I'm so tired of being a disappointment to my H (yes, I get the latter statement is still putting focus on the H.) Frankly, I do still want recon... that is still my end game. At least I can be honest. But, I'm putting the work in the next 10 weeks to get that focus 100% on me.
Thanks to everyone keeping it real and holding me accountable!!!
