Oh May, I have so many thoughts, and if I'm very honest I've had a cocktail so I might be verbose. I apologize if I go down a rabbit hole.

About reliving things H said -

To revisit different parts of the trauma I believe is normal. I am reliving a few moments differently than I did when I was immediately removed from my sitch. My past 5 weeks I have revisited moments that I had initially buried in an effort to just get through. I just frame it as my mind doing the work when it is intended. We process different parts at different intervals and I think that is very, very normal. Just know that it's common. I think you will examine your sitch both in pieces and as a whole, and jump in and out of each perspective.

Originally Posted by May22
For instance, when he was in the A, my H kept saying that I had this outdated idea of M...

So, this is interesting to me as a D person. I'm finding that most people younger than me are poly. I was in a very strictly monogamous relationship. And I think that long term, I want the monogamy. It's what I think works best for me. But now that I'm single, I am considering the other side and other options because I never really have. I mean REALLY think about it. What assumptions am I making and bringing forward? What are my fears? Are they legitimate, or something I've brought over from a value system that isn't even mine? Why do I think monogamy is best for me, and polyamory not?

When I was newly single I reconsidered my sexuality. I thought it was important. Maybe I should be dating men? I mean, when was the last time I seriously considered that? And after much reflection I can safely say that yep- sorry - but I'm definitely gay smile But I needed to revisit my assumptions.

So, what my point in this is that your H may want to be reconsidering everything he had accepted in his life to learn who he truly is. And it may sound insane that he was questioning something as fundamental as your marriage. But what if everyone was constantly reconsidering our assumptions? I think we'd have much better communication, better outcomes. We'd be authentic, and less likely to hurt people we love. But it shouldn't have been done in the way he did. I'm advocating for consistent self check-ins, and subsequent communication with partners.

Maybe there are other assumptions about yourself you're reconsidering. Stating you were in a SSM, for instance. How you saw yourself before (perhaps as a mother?) vs who you see yourself as now (a woman? a sexual being? gosh forbid - a sexual being with wants that might be a little "frowned" upon in "polite" society but are actually the most normal thing in the world but honestly it turns out no one talks authentically about their own sex life so how would you know that?)

side bar: in my own life I'm insisting that I talk authentically with my friends about my sexuality and finances and other "taboo" subjects. I have found it has greatly strengthened our friendships and I feel like I'm not the only one. It turns out we really all do struggle with the same issues, just privately.

Originally Posted by May22
Maybe I won't be able to forgive him.


Don't write your own future before you have lived it.

And lastly, regarding your setting aside your feelings about the A. Your attempt at patience is good. I'm not saying bury things under the rug, these things won't go away if you don't address them. But you don't have to address them today. You really don't. Look at how far off we are from V-Day, and you are still being patient. What a feat! You can keep doing that. Because the progress is slow, but it is progress. And I think that your part in all of this is to meet your H "halfway" by giving him time. He has all the other work to do - which is a lot. Like, a LOT. Your work is hard because it's not all yours to do. It's dependent on another person, so you don't have control. H's work might be harder - he has to build back who he is as an entire person, and figure it out along the way.