I don't have much for updates these days, but it is nice to stop by and journal and check-in with folks here and there. I really am grateful for your check-in May. It's nice to know a stranger cares. I check for updates on some of the folks I "know" better here, but I'm bad about writing back or checking in. I should get better at that. Right now people really need to know that there's an individual out there who cares about them.
The concept of going through our "sitch" and then being able to handle the pandemic: Yes. One thousand times yes. I was talking to a friend who was checking in, and I said "You know what? I can totally handle this. All my divorced friends are bad@$$ B!t(hes." And it's kind of true. My friends who have been through divorce have a different lens about what loss means, and what it means to just "get through", and what it feels like to be on the otherside.
"In the throes of fear". What a true line. I was paralyzed by fear. That is exactly, in part, one of my personality flaws that contributed to the demise of our R. That was an area I needed to grow from. Instead of "fight or flight" there is also a model that states "fight, flight, or freeze". I was a freezer. My fear would paralyze me. I couldn't work out some of the issues XW and I had - I couldn't talk about them, I couldn't address them. When she started to pull away I froze. There are a million examples, but I choose to not relive them. I just know that I don't want that to be my life anymore, so I am trying to tackle life head-on. But I remember very clearly what those throes of fear feel like.
It was nearly two years ago my sitch started. And here I am, two years later in a space I never saw. I'm sad that we are divorced. I still love her and yes, I still think of her every day. But I am still healing even now, and I'm not delusional in thinking that I just want her back. Too much has happened, and I understand the advice of "if there is to be a marriage 2.0 you have to start from scratch". Because I am such a different person now, and I would demand that she is as well. I'm not waiting. But I won't say it doesn't ever cross my mind when I have a particularly sweet memory of who we once were.
But my days are also joyful and full and rich and artistic. My relationships with everyone else have improved 10x. I have friends now - I didn't really before. I'm social now. I don't regret that. I've lost my fear.
It really only happens once you embrace it. Change is happening and if you fight it you're going to get hurt, or never heal. I know my life is richer because of the pain. I feel beauty more deeply now. I see the subtleties in a friendship or a kind word. Because once I didn't think I'd ever see those things again, and that my life would be tainted forever due to my overwhelming loss.
I think this quarantine has me feeling overly poetic with my emotions. Or maybe it's my whiskey sour.
Tonight is blackbean and avocado taco night. And I'll get some homemade yogurt started so it will be ready tomorrow.
