Emotionally Unavailable Part 2

[sandi2]

I believe all WW's have to find forgiveness for their H........b/c the level of resentment is so deep.

In case someone reads my previous post, I want to expound on the above quote. I'm not saying the H is guilty of the same things as the WW. The H's wrongs may be incomparable to the WW's infidelity. But I don't think she gets it.......(and frankly, I don't think a lot of LBH's get it, either.....but that is another post for another time). Her deep resentment is like this high wall that prevents her from looking at the sitch rationally. On some level, she doesn't want to let go of her anger. The smallest thing can trigger old unresolved issues she had in the MR. Her anger overrules reasoning, and she thinks her H has brought about all her stuff (deceit, cheating, etc.) on himself. In other words, she blames him for how she feels.......and even thinks (to some degree) that the affair is his fault. "If he had been a better H, then I would not have turned to another man". But wait........what she really means is that her H deserves it. If someone tried to pin her down and force her to admit it wasn't his fault.....she'd refer back to something he use to do that hurt her, rather than speaking the truth. Stubborn pride and resentment are ugly companions.

The WW might have a long list of her H's faults, but does he "deserve" to be cheated on? When I came to the board in 2007, I was still wayward. When I started blaming my H for everything that had happened (basically wanting to say that he deserved everything I had done), there were two or three LBH's who were further down the DB road and they approached me about what I'd said. They said there was nothing the LBS could do that would merit or justify the wayward spouse's affair. Whoa........that infuriated me! I thought they were a group of self-righteous LBH's, and I think I expressed those exact sentiments to one of them. No matter which example I drummed up, they would say if I had been so unhappy in my M......or if my H had been so awful, it would have been more decent to divorce him......instead of having an A. That was a hard lump to swallow, b/c I had allowed so much resentment to build against my H......until it was as if there was a shut off valve to any voice of reason. In the back of my head, I believed he was responsible for the downfall of our MR......including my A. So, I had to reach the point where I could admit to myself that he didn't deserve a cheating WW. I had to stop blaming him.

There was a time I could have talked for days about all the stuff that had caused so much resentment and disrespect.....but the bottom line is that I had free will, and nobody had forced me to take the direction I took. I had let the resentment fester and breed with other negative mental attitudes.

I could continue to be angry and blame my H for my actions, or I could choose to forgive him for everything. I had to take 100% ownership for my waywardness. It was nobody's fault, but my own. If my H could forgive me for this horrible wrong I had done to him, then just who did I think I was? How could I refuse to forgive him for his wrongs? The amount of stubborn pride in my heart had been incredible, but once I became serious about finding peace in my soul.....it became clear what I needed to do. Not only did I forgive him for everything......including all the things he never even knew I held against him......I was able to humbly apologize for my A.