Riding the Wave 3

[may22]

Hi WF,

Thanks for the dose of reality... I know I have somewhat of a fairy-tale ideal in my head of what this should have all looked like, and now that my H has broken that, I'm kind of floundering with still trying to figure out what things are supposed to look like now, if it is possible to rebuild, etc. I have held so strongly onto this idea that it is possible to have a better, stronger M on the other side and now I'm dealing with some doubts. I think I just need to keep reminding myself to let go of expectations, focus on myself and my kids, today and tomorrow and just one foot in front of the other.

I think part of it is I have very little experience with D. My parents are still married, all my friends growing up's parents are still married, same with H. All our friends where we lived previously are married. When we moved back to where we live now (we'd moved away a couple of years after we got married, before kids), we had a handful of friends get Ded, two with kids and one without, and I was totally blindsided. And their sitches are not what I would want for myself, even though they all seem relatively happy.

I was just so focused on protecting the kids. And they still have no clue about any of it. Maybe they never will. And since that was my number one goal-- if I could just keep them from being hurt, I could handle anything-- I feel like I should be happier now than I am. Anyway. I think this quarantine is starting to get to me. But your words really help, remind me that humans are strong and resilient and just because things aren't turning out the cookie-cutter way I thought they would doesn't mean we still don't have the capacity to be happy and love and trust and all the rest. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

The sadness now is me knowing that in the end if he can't commit our stalemate is going to end by me asking him to leave. And knowing there's no going back after that. Because I've been waiting him out for 6 months, and I won't wait him out more than a year. And it kills knowing that there's a way this ends where I tried everything I could but he tried nothing because he spent 7 years of our lives telling me I was the love of his life but I was really just the consolation prize the entire time. There's a way that this ends where 7 years of life my life was a complete lie.

I'm glad you aren't angry any more... but I get the sadness. I totally, totally do. Let me give you a little pep talk, though... first, think how much has changed in the six months you've already waited. So much is possible in the next six months, especially for you, with such incredible self-control and self-knowledge. Even though yes, there is a possibility that in six more months you might be asking him to leave, there is also the possibility that you'll be reinvesting in your M together. A lot can happen in six months. You just gotta keep holding the line and being kind to yourself.

Also? Do NOT let him take the seven years of your M away from you. That is BS. It wasn't a lie. You could NEVER be anyone's consolation prize. You are the prize and he is incredibly lucky that you're still there... he's just a confused and sorry soul who is going through his own problems and that is coloring his view of your R and the past now. Don't let his problems be your problems.

How are you guys holding up on staying entertained and not killing each other?

Well, this past weekend I think we all got a bit stir crazy and snippy towards each other, even the girls. We really needed to get out of the house and went on a long hike on Sunday, which really helped. H and I also made up an imaginary roommate, Cheryl, who we blame everything on (GD Cheryl, left dirty dishes in the sink again) which is silly but actually really helps lighten the mood. We're watching the full set of Avengers movies, most of which we'd never seen, which is fun-- we've watched a movie as a family every night. We did puzzles the first few weeks but I haven't gotten one out for awhile... might do it again soon. Board games, kids doing a lot of reading, cooking, baking. Oh, and cocktails. We are definitely doing a lot of that too.