That was your non-DB coach's goal if I recall correctly. What do they say about it and what's next? Thinking of the last four DB situations that went to R, getting the WWS or WAS to act neutral wasn't a key step. Often the WWS or WAS was actually upset the LBS stopped cake eating and they felt loss or worried about loss.
Yes - the goal with non-DB coach was to get to emotional neutral because of all the negative emotions he associated with me.
CW - he spewed so much anger at me previously. It was hard to stomach.
This feels better? He started conversations on Sunday asking me about my meeting. Of course there was no talk about us or the M and I certainly didn't expect any. But, he never smiled and if he checked me out I never caught him. At one point we were standing side by side in the kitchen.
I'm doing what it says... acting "as if"... faking it until I make it. I'm not appearing weak or mopey in his presence.
There will be at least 1 or 2 more move out dates in the future. I want to handle them like a pro - what else can I do different?
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In the last 10 days, didn't you chit-chat about wanting a bike ride with him and help with his affidavit and financial order? From a distance, to your H, those probably don't say "difficult-to-obtain prize I have to work for". As LH19 says your words are there, and I like hearing all the bits you're doing to work on you.
Yes. Very true. My initiating the texts on Saturday was a very poor choice in behavior. I was missing him. Thank goodness I didn't actually text I miss you... that would have been 100 times worse. But, there are times I want to.
I've dug in my heels more. No more texts initiated by me. I will respond to business texts from him but not in a rapid fashion. I will continue to keep myself busy.
And, seriously I am doing lots of homework. I'm working on me sooo much I'm pretty sick of myself. I am sure that due to the quarantine as well. Yes, am I still standing for my M. I am. I can be honest. Do I hope to R with my H. I do. Am I changing just for my H. Not really.... I'm more like discovering the woman he married. Before we worked too many hours... dealt with years of kid issues... getting lost from each other.
I am discovering I put up thicker walls because I wasn't happy with myself and felt my H deserved better. I would try to open up and share with him but his answer (wasn't mean on purpose) would be like "do something about it" and that just made me resist what I should have been doing. It was up to me to make the changes for myself. If I felt bad about the weight gain... I'm the only one who could do something about. Maybe in my head I wanted to hear that he loved me anyway OR hey, lets do it together, BUT I never voiced those ideas to him. He was just thinking if it bothered me than I should fix it. It didn't dawn on him I just wanted acceptance for who I was... which frankly was all he wanted from me in return.
Bottom line. I was unhappy with my weight it really was MY job to fix it.
It just goes to show where your H's mind is at, solely on himself. I agree with the others that your H is placating his guilty feelings for leaving you by playing nice. I would suspect he's trying to fly under the radar hoping for a favorable divorce settlement from you. I think he knows if he dangles the carrot (a bike ride, giving you mints as a nice gesture etc), you will melt and then he can manipulate you. Be careful.
My ex did the same thing. At first she demonized me and made me out to be the devil, she literally blamed me for everything. Then she started acting nice and talking with her sweet voice and asked me if I would give her 3k so she could get her own place and be ok financially (please note I paid for all expenses while we were together except for groceries) when she moved out. When I told her I would not be giving her 3k to leave me (it's crazy even typing that out that dumped me yet again and then asked me for money), she immediately went back to being horrible. I haven't spoken to her since that day.
You simply cannot believe a word out of your H's mouth, even when the words are kind in nature.
Why can't I man up and tell him I'm not doing a d*mn thing over the financial order???
I'm guessing you anticipate he'll get angry?
Imagine how strong you'll be when you can muster a "No"--no excuses, apologies. NO I don't think that's in my best interest, NO that's not my problem to solve. If you have a fair deal pass it by my lawyer. Yes, I see you're angry. I won't be talked to that way. -click- (He loses talking to you privileges for the day)"
Last edited by job; 04/21/2008:45 PM. Reason: edited language
Why can't I man up and tell him I'm not doing a d*mn thing over the financial order???
I'm guessing you anticipate he'll get angry?
Imagine how strong you'll be when you can muster a "No"--no excuses, apologies. NO I don't think that's in my best interest, NO that's not my problem to solve. If you have a fair deal pass it by my lawyer. Yes, I see you're angry. I won't be talked to that way. -click- (He loses talking to you privileges for the day)"
I think I'm just not going to respond. And if he pushes I will just text him - NO.
I wish I could go back in time and have just gone the NYE party with him. That was the catalyst. I get it that I was so checked out with him that I didn't spend Christmas Eve or NYE with him. I was so into my own head space that I didn't see how hurt my H was.
But, I can't go back. And, here we are.... total devastation... he is divorcing me... he isn't having any hope that this M can be saved. It is what it is....
Last edited by job; 04/21/2008:45 PM. Reason: edited language
KC - why not tell him to contact your attorney about any of those questions? Isn't that the point of having one? Use her to figure it out and spare yourself the emotional turmoil it causes for you when he texts you about this stuff.
KC - why not tell him to contact your attorney about any of those questions? Isn't that the point of having one? Use her to figure it out and spare yourself the emotional turmoil it causes for you when he texts you about this stuff.
I know that is exactly what I need to do... have been trying to keep things amicable because of course my goal is recon...
I'm going to sleep on it tonight. I'm exhausted from doing all his paperwork - the affidavit, the other documents... we've had two move out dates so far which I am helping him with... IT'S LIKE I'M DOING ALL THE LEG WORK FOR MY H TO LEAVE ME.
Unfortunately, it usually has to get worse, before it gets better. He knows you recon, and he is using it to manipulate things in his favor.
When you're ready, simply tell him, "No, and I don't plan on it."
BTW, the NYE party wasn't a make it or break it event. It is a culmination of a lot of things. He would have found another reason to make his decision.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I know that is exactly what I need to do... have been trying to keep things amicable because of course my goal is recon...
I know your ex is pushing the "Amicable" vs. "Lawyer" false dichotomy hard. My ex and I both have attorneys. It's made things more amicable. It eliminated the drama of her and I arguing over what's fair and worrying what the consequences might be of saying yes or no to a change.
I know that is exactly what I need to do... have been trying to keep things amicable because of course my goal is recon...
I'm going to sleep on it tonight. I'm exhausted from doing all his paperwork - the affidavit, the other documents... we've had two move out dates so far which I am helping him with... IT'S LIKE I'M DOING ALL THE LEG WORK FOR MY H TO LEAVE ME.
Just exhausted. I need a mental break.
Exactly! If this is all stuff he wants, quit doing it for him. It seems like you're coming from a place of wanting to nice him back. It's not rude/mean to make a grown man do his own work - no is a complete sentence. I think a lot of the advice you've been given is to quit exhausting yourself with H in whatever capacity (legally, logistically, emotionally) and use your resources. Having an attorney handle something doesn't mean recon is off the table forever - it just means you are putting yourself in a better place to work on yourself.
