She's the department slut? (Ok, not into slut shaming, but what else would you call a woman who has slept with every guy in the department? She's either a predator or someone with NO self esteem. )
No matter what you think she has on you in the looks department, your STBX already made it clear to you it wasn't about your looks. Whatever you are dissatisfied with about yourself, it wasn't the cause of his infidelity. (But now is a great time to fix whatever you want to fix, btw.)
It's true, they mostly affair down. Even my ex's new wife - who thankfully was not one of his affair partners and I have nothing against her - I'm sure he had to adjust to being with someone who plays the little girl and isn't terribly intellectual. I'm sure that appealed to him at first, but I can imagine now there are days when he tires of being "Big Daddy". And she's got a guy who is 19 years older than her and starting to rapidly show his age, with multiple health issues. He has to worry she might leave him or cheat on him, and if she's ever discovered his history of cheating, she has to worry he could cheat on her. Him leaving me had everything to do with him and his inherent unhappiness and next to nothing to do with me. He's not happier now, by any measure I can see, since real life intruded on his fantasy of being young.
Your OW has to live with the knowledge that he could cheat on her too. And your STBX has to worry that OW could find another guy, with her history. I wouldn't want to trade places with either of them and neither would you.
The best revenge is living well. Focus on achieving what you want in your life and let him follow his path. You can't save him, he has to take those steps himself.
Oh - another great 80's movie to watch - She Devil with Roseanne Barr. Her husband leaves her for a simpering Meryl Streep, and she transforms her life into a huge success while destroying him bit by bit. Yes, it's a revenge fantasy, but pretty hilarious. Helps to vent those dark thoughts sometimes!
BTW - change up your hair, makeup, attire, exercise, healthy diet - the better you feel about yourself, the less time you'll spend comparing yourself to this nothing of a girl. YOU are a strong and equal partner. You are competent and independent. YOU are capable and adventurous (ok, maybe not adventurous on your own, but this experience has a way of making us fearless. It sure kicked ME out of my comfortable rut.)
Have you made that vision board yet? If not, make it a weekend project. Posterboard and magazine pictures of things you'd like to have in your adventurous future.
SEVERAL years before my marriage blew up, I was reading a self-help book and one exercise in it was to make a list of 100 things you'd like to do or achieve in your life. 100 - precisely because it's hard to come up with 100 things so you really have to just throw stuff out there.
A few years after my divorce, I found that old scrap of paper with my list on it. I TOTALLY do not remember writing this at the time, but there on the list, maybe number 60, was "play in a band". Well, lo and behold, I had learned to play the drums after my divorce and at that very time I had been playing for a few years in a amateur pop-punk cover band! And I don't EVEN remember that having been a conscious idea in my head before my divorce! So the power of putting things down and them coming true - it's greater than you think!
My biggest fear was that she would be younger and prettier than me. I was upset and told D17 why and she said the same thing that it's the department slut. We all know who she is and yes she is younger and prettier than me. Of course she is the most shallow man on earth isn't going to walk out on an entire family for someone who isn't hot.
D17 has been trying to make me feel better. She says I'm a calmer, happier, all around better person since he left. Says the peace shows on my face. Reminds me that he's a sexist, homophobic, racist, judgemental, miserable jerk. He angered D17 back when she was 13. We all knew he was like this we just were careful to not trigger him.
I remember when she wanted to come to Hs shift not long before he left. It concerned me because I knew she was a predator. I didn’t think he’d cross that line but feared she’d get close and she’d be his inappropriate friend. She didn’t sleep with everyone just those in higher rank. Old men. H would tell me who she was dating and my first thought was predator. Assumed she was looking for someone with financial security or job perks. H got promoted in November way after she was his employee. I imagine she’s no longer there because they crossed a line or her new boss didn’t give her special treatment. She’d already been through a few bosses so her options were limited. Many people, men and women, switch to other companies because it’s easy and they think the grass is greener. It isn’t and not only that they have to start over at the bottom. Money isn’t much different but the power and perks are.
H is dumb enough to marry her so unless she dumps him he will stay with her.
Reminds me that he's a sexist, homophobic, racist, judgemental, miserable jerk
Will you PLEASE write this on your bathroom mirror or someplace else where you can see it all the time????? And keep asking yourself WHY you even would want this guy? The answer is - YOU DON'T. You were living with a toxic person and he did you a FAVOR by exiting your life. You DESERVE so much better. You deserve someone who shares your values, and who values YOU. I know the finances and change itself are scary but I'm pretty sure your life will eventually be MUCH BETTER without this guy in it.
(Funny story - the first guy I dated after my divorce I really really liked but he was an avoidant and difficult to engage. Once I realized that I put an index card in the visor mirror of my car that said "He's Just Not That Into You" to remind me every time I started to swoon over him. It worked!)
I'm at work and I want to cry. I called chancery and they are still having court. I then sent my L an email and got an automated response saying she's in a trial and will answer all emails tomorrow. She will answer me and this is the 2nd time ). Three strikes she's out and the next strike will be swift. She's a great attorney she's just taken on more than she can handle. I want a court date STAT or I'm hiring someone else. Last time I threatened her I got a court date in 24 hours.
Yesterday H gave me $2200 in stimulus money, $200 for the weed eater and $400 (think this was a mistake - oops). I had dipped into my savings to pay bills but with this I'm back up to $8000 which is enough to start over.
Will you PLEASE write this on your bathroom mirror or someplace else where you can see it all the time????? And keep asking yourself WHY you even would want this guy? The answer is - YOU DON'T. You were living with a toxic person and he did you a FAVOR by exiting your life. You DESERVE so much better. You deserve someone who shares your values, and who values YOU. I know the finances and change itself are scary but I'm pretty sure your life will eventually be MUCH BETTER without this guy in it.
Mowing the lawn brought back bad memories of H. In a split second I thought I'm glad he's gone (it doesn't stick yet). D17 says she misses D14, her pets and the money but not him. She told me our lame dinners now are way better than what we had before. Wait....what? She said dinners are fun now that we aren't catering to H. Early on D17 asked me "are we sure we want him back?"
I've got zero interest in men. I've had men in my life for 40 years and I can visualize being happy alone once I detach from H. I'm not ruling out another R it's just not even on the same planet as my vision board.
Quote
(Funny story - the first guy I dated after my divorce I really really liked but he was an avoidant and difficult to engage. Once I realized that I put an index card in the visor mirror of my car that said "He's Just Not That Into You" to remind me every time I started to swoon over him. It worked!)
This would hurt after 30 years but I do need to remember that H isn't a good person. D17's best friends parents are divorced. The father is just like H and he brainwashed their kids (they were around 8 years old at the time) into thinking he was better than the mom. H did this to me. Anyway the kids grew up and figured out that dad was a pos liar (long story). They don't have much to do with him anymore. This guy downgraded and went from a nurse to a store clerk who blackmailed him into marrying her (he told me this directly). They've been together for 10 years but she's a horrible person. D17 can't stand her and D17 is a loving person. If you make her bad list you've done something awful.
Reminds me that he's a sexist, homophobic, racist, judgemental, miserable jerk
[quote]Will you PLEASE write this on your bathroom mirror or someplace else where you can see it all the time????? And keep asking yourself WHY you even would want this guy? The answer is - YOU DON'T. You were living with a toxic person and he did you a FAVOR by exiting your life.
I think having him is better than no one. A warm body, someone to go out with, being part of a couple, having help, money, etc. I read the dating stories here and I'm thinking that's a no from me. The odds of another R working out are very slim. I mean I could find someone, anyone if I put in the effort. I could settle for another avoidant or some lonely divorced man but I've got kids who need me. H's life is one big party. I don't want that life but I'm upset that he has it.
Most likely though, she knows he is married as they affair down (it’s a step down as no woman who has her sh$t together gets with a married man!). Either way, really not a good foundation to a relationship and NOT romantic. Let’s not glamorize trashiness. He is no prize. He is a man having an affair. No healthy woman would knowingly involve herself in that as she would be attracted to an UNmarried man.
She knows he's married, knows he left me for her, I think he lived with her for 7 months until he got his own place, she's been to his new place (that's how he got caught). He affair'ed up in looks but without personal growth history will likely repeat. He will be Mr Wonderful until they live together for a while. She's getting a heavy drinker, emotionally void, a "get off my lawn" old man, yelling at people in traffic, blaming his miserable life on her (and me), he's about as fun as getting your taxes done. He doesn't connect emotionally so she will eventually feel neglected and used.
Quote
Square your shoulders, hold your head up and sleep with a clear conscience. You will become strong and confident through this.
Working on this. Typing out his bad qualities helps especially since now I think the OW is 15 years younger than me. He's totally gray headed now (no gray at BD), in pain from stress, looks like death, yes he's a total catch.
