Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by unchien
3. If you can't get in touch with your own values and feelings, you will forever be susceptible to feelings of self-doubt. Others, intentionally or not, will undermine your self-confidence in your decision making. You are susceptible to gaslighting. You can easily get sucked into a vortex of negativity and will struggle to detach and self-differentiate. You will start to make mistakes -- thinking you are DB'ing when in fact you are continuing to perpetuate a lousy situation. Enlist support if needed to help you, but don't "poison the well" - seek 1 or 2 trusted friends (ideally not family), go to IC, seek legal counsel (discreetly).

U be careful blaming your perpetuating lousy sitch it on DB. If you never moved out you would be D'd by now and have a $hit ton more money in your pocket.

I made a ton of mistakes, I agree with you. I also, by being beaten on the head repeatedly with hard lessons, am finally coming around to realizing this is my life and nobody else's. I am going to live according to my values, and I'm going to feel good about that, regardless of the blowback I get from others, because I know I'm coming from a place of good intentions and a constant eye towards self-improvement.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by unchien
5. Validation can be a dangerous technique if used unskillfully, depending on your situation (especially if you are not detached). Validation can be mistaken as acceptance. Personally, I wish I had used active listening (here is what I hear you saying) rather than validation (I can understand how you could feel that way), given the dynamics of my situation at the time.

Can you give some examples of how it became dangerous?

Validating the feelings stemming from false accusations.

When we went to MC2 last summer, I had to have a separate 1:1 call with the counselor because I felt teamed up on. He told me that I had agreed that I had done all these horrible things. I said, "I was validating her feelings, I was not *agreeing* with her!" "Oh" he said.

Keep in mind counselors are mandatory reporters. This person's license is on the line if they believe something worth reporting happened and they fail to do so. He never bothered to check the facts with me, in a potentially legally fraught situation.

So yeah, I probably shouldn't have tried to use validation... I was not skillful enough, nor was it appropriate for that situation.